For all who like "lists" as a way to measure success, you'll like this week's Marriage Message. Men especially like lists because we enjoy being able to successfully and systematically check off each item. The following list is challenging but we believe that if you follow them, you could almost guarantee your marriage will succeed. As you read them ask yourself, "Am I following this principle?" Then secondly, if you're not following them, ask yourself, "How can I begin to implement them (a selected principle or more) in my daily way of thinking and living with my spouse?" These principles are authored by Mark Brandenburg who is a certified Personal Coach and author of, "Fix Your Wife in 30 Days or Less." It appeared in a Smart Marriages article on 11/18/03 (an "oldie but a goodie"). We added the additional comments in (parenthesis): 1. FORGET ABOUT GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET. Focus on your spouse and what you can do for them. This is the best way to bring out the best in both of you. ("Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:3-4) 2. KEEP SOME MEANINGFUL RITUALS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Whether it's having dinner conversation after work every night or taking a long walk, have something in place that allows you to stay in touch with each other's lives. (And don't forget to schedule date times regularly with your spouse. You dated each other before marriage--that's what contributed to your falling in love in the first place. Don't neglect dating each other after the wedding to help your love STAY alive and vital.) 3. HAVE A 5-to-1 RATIO OF POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE INTERACTIONS. There should be 5 compliments, hugs, or squeezes of the arm for every roll of the eyes, every criticism, or every episode of blaming. (Better yet, don't roll the eyes or do anything that's disrespectful to each other. It causes erosion to the relationship that doesn't glorify God.) ("Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace." Colossians 3:12-15) 4. BE RELENTLESS IN YOUR PURSUIT OF SELF-IMPROVEMENT AND TRYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON. Healthy marriages tend to grow and change. This means that you must be willing to try on new behaviors and to take some risks. 5. MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE FULL OF SPECIAL SURPRISES. Marriages are more alive and exciting when there are surprises sprinkled into them. Surprise your spouse with an outing, a special date night, flowers, candy, or anything else that excites them. 6. TAKE GREAT SELF-CARE. If you're all stressed out, you're going to be a "bear" to be around! Make sure you follow a program of self-care that allows you to give energy to the relationship. ("Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20) 7. DEVELOP A COMMON INTEREST THAT YOU CAN SHARE TOGETHER. You're going to be spending a lot of time together. It's nice to have an activity to share that helps you to enjoy that time together. Whether it's golfing, traveling, hiking, or shopping, find your common interests and turn them into pleasurable experiences. 8. FOCUS ON BEING KIND AND NOT ON BEING RIGHT. It's easy to spend time showing your spouse that you're right. Focus on being kind instead. You'll argue less and enjoy each other more. ("Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29) 9. WHEN THINGS DO GET HEATED, COMMIT TO A PLAN THAT WORKS. Don't say things in the heat of the moment that may do damage to your relationship. Have a plan in place that may include: walking away, continuing the discussion at a later date, for a sort of relaxed response. (Please re-read this advice. It's excellent. "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 4:32-5:2) 10. DEVELOP A NETWORK OF SUPPORT AROUND YOU. Whether it's friends or family, have a group of people that you spend time with, which you can confide in and share times with. It always helps to know that others are going and/or have gone through the same things you are. ("Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25) We pray God's greatest blessings on your marriage this coming year. Don't forget to treat each other with the love and respect God would have you-- treating your spouse as more important than yourself--using Christ as your example of sacrificial love. Comments are closed.
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Ana & Andre Schoonbee God uses us to motivate and encourage the body. Authors
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