BECOMING MORE COMPATIBLE .

  "Virtually all couples, happy and unhappy, are going to argue,
  particularly in the early stages of marriage. What tends to predict the
  future of a relationship is not what you argue about, but when you do
  argue, how you handle your negative emotions." (Howard Markman)
  Does the above statement make sense to you? It makes more sense to us as
  we continually research marriage compatibility. We used to think happily
  married couples learned the secret of not arguing with each other --that
  conflict was what destroyed good marriages. We now know that the problem
  isn't that we disagree with each other but how constructively we're able
  to work through it so the relationship stays in tact and loving. That
  comes about because the couple acts in respectful ways even when
  disagreeing--honoring the other persons feelings.
  We came across an article in the Wall Street Journal titled, "The Key to
  a Lasting Marriage." It says that "even happy couples aren't totally
  compatible" --which seems like a surprising statement. But as we share
  portions of this article, prayerfully consider what God says to you and
  how you can apply it to your own marriage. The author, Hilary Stout writes:

  "A growing body of research suggests there's no such thing as a compatible
  couple. This may come as no surprise to all those who have endured years
  of thermostat wars, objectionable spending habits and maddening tendencies
  at the wheel. But it flies in the face of Hollywood, most people's fantasies, and dating web sites selling scientific screening to find a perfect match. Years of relationship studies make it clear that most  couples, whether they're happy or not, have a similar number of  irreconcilable differences. What's more, all couples --happy or not --tend  to argue about the same things. Top of the list, whether rich or poor, is money. Other topics include household chores, work obligations, kids &  differing priorities.
  "'Compatibility is misunderstood and overrated,' says Ted Huston, a
  professor of psychology and human ecology. Mr. Huston and his colleagues
  have been following 168 couples since they married during the 1980s. This
  study and others like it make it clear that most dangerous disagreements
  that arise in marriage --69% of them, are never resolved. The result has
  been a gradual shift in marriage therapy, toward helping spouses manage,
  accept, and even honor their discord, rather than trying to resolve the
  un-resolvable. One national couples-counseling program suggests spouses
  schedule a regular weekly date to argue. Others now offer instruction in
  arguing. Some encourage couples to single out problems that can be dealt
  with and accept that most (like how tidy the house should be) will never
  be resolved. 
  "Of course some conflicts do matter deeply --he wants children and she
  doesn't, to name a big one; alcoholism and infidelity, to name a couple
  more. Differing religions and cultural attitudes also are problematic,
  especially after the couple has children, says Scott Stanley, co-director
  of the Center for Martial and Family Studies at the University of Denver. 
  He and co-director Howard Markman have done extensive studies tracking
  couples from courtship through years of marriage. But the bottom line,
  Markman says, is that 'virtually all couples, happy and unhappy, are going
  to argue. What tends to predict the future of a relationship is not what
  you argue about, but when you do argue, how you handle your negative
  emotions.' This has led some in the profession to develop rules that can
  make arguing less destructive:

  - "Don't escalate an argument by blurting out generalizations" 'You 
    always...' Stay on a specific subject. Don't drag past events, behavior 
     and lingering grudges into the discussion.
  - "Try not to interrupt --let your spouse finishing making a point before 
    you jump in.
  - "Take a little time to cool down after a heated argument. But within an 
    hour, having a 'reconcillatory conversation,' which will result in a 
    more level-headed, productive discussion.
  The article then tells of an experiment conducted by Dr. John Gottman's
  Relationship Lab. They videoed couples arguing and monitored their heart
  rates. Research has shown if your heart exceeds 100 beats per minute you
  usually won't be able to rationally listen to what your spouse is trying
  to tell you no matter how hard they try. Taking a 20-30 minute break
  before continuing is suggested. When their heart rate rose above 100 the
  researchers interrupted and said (falsely) that their equipment was
  malfunctioning. [In the experiment]… "They asked couples to stop and read
  a magazine until it was fixed. Once both people's heart rate had dropped
  down to normal range, after about a half-hour, the researchers announced
  the equipment was fixed and the couples started up their disagreement
  again. The change after the interlude was marked. 'It was like it was a
  different relationship,' Gottman says. Everyone was 'much more rational
  and creative."
  "While airing differences is important, make sure to set aside some time
  where discussing areas of discord is off-limits, Mr. Stanley and Mr. 
  Markman say. A walk by the river on a beautiful autumn day isn't the time
  to bring up problems; it's a time to enjoy each other and remember what
  attracted you to each other in the first place. Instead set aside a time
  to talk about the things that are bothering you. Like many married
  couples, Jim and Kathryn have a Saturday 'date' built into their weekly
  schedules. The purpose isn't to catch a movie or dinner. Essentially, it
  is to argue. On the recommendation of Mr. Stanley, the couple started
  going out every Saturday morning to discuss problems and issues. At first
  it felt a little awkward. Once they settled into the routine, it proved  helpful.

  "Before, discord could erupt at any moment and tempers would flare. Now,
  knowing they have a set time to discuss difficult issues is comforting and
  leaves them the rest of the week to relax. In fact, they rarely argue
  during sessions anymore. They simply work through issues.

  "RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: The following are some tips for fighting effectively
  with your spouse:
  - "Stay focused on the subject of disagreement ...Don't generalize (as in   'You always do___') 
  - "Don't bring up past events and old grudges ...Don't interrupt ...Don't  use insults 
- "Don't use inflammatory language, like 'This marriage is doomed.'
  - "Don't stonewall [blocking the argument from allowing both sides to be 
    discussed}
  - "Try to say 'I' (as in 'I think) rather than the more inflammatory 'You' 
    (as in 'You don't')"
  .................................

  All of this comes down to being respectful of one another --even in your
  anger. In Ephesians 4:26-27, the Bible says, "In your anger do not sin. Do
  not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil a foot-
  hold." The Life Application Bible explanation for these verses reads “The
  Bible doesn’t tell us that we shouldn’t feel angry. It is important to
  handle our anger properly. If vented thoughtlessly, anger can hurt others
  and destroy relationships. If bottled up inside, it can cause us to become
  bitter and destroy us from within. Paul tells us to deal with our anger in
  a way that builds relationships rather than destroys them. If we nurse our
  anger, we give Satan an opportunity to divide us.”
  So the challenge isn’t to eliminate conflict but to find ways to deal with
  it so we resolve it in ways that honors each other and honors God.