"People often believe that important differences will go away with time -
but getting married does not automatically bring people closer." (David Olsen) If you're like us, when you were first married you believed the "differences" you had would be no big deal and with time you'd grow increasingly united in every way. Remember when you lit the Unity Candle in your wedding ceremony and blew out your individual candles? That act meant you would now be "one," right? It meant you would stop thinking only about your own interests. From that day forward it would be "we" and "us" - not just "me" and "I." But is that really what happened after your wedding? Probably not - and to be truthful, it didn't happen for us either. If you agree that unity is important in the marriage relationship, why is it so hard to achieve? What can we do to move toward unity? Well, Dr. Gary Smalley offered some of his personal and professional insights on this subject a while ago, at an "I Still Do" marriage conference when he spoke for the ministry of Family Life Today. Here's what he had to say: "Like many of you, my wife, Norma, and I lit 'unity candles' at our wedding ceremony. And like many of you, I had only a vague idea at the time of what those candles symbolized. Only recently have I understood. "If I were planning a unity candle ceremony today, I would start with two candles colored yellow and blue. When you enter the church of wedding chapel, you enter as singles, and you are very different from each other. You have your own personality, your own skills, and your own opinions. "Blue and yellow mixed together will turn green, and that would be the color of the third candle. After using the blue and yellow candles to light the green one, the bride and groom would then blow out their individual candles. It all symbolizes the fact that, in marriage, you are no longer singles. You are a couple. Genesis 2:24 tells us, 'For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.' "I believe that conflict and arguments can be the doorway to true intimacy in a marriage. Why? Because it can force you to learn what your mate is feeling and what your mate needs. When you both understand each other, you can blend them together and make a decision that works for both of you as a couple. "What often happens, however, is the conflict leads you to re-light your blue and yellow candles, (so to speak). You act like a single again; you seek to win the argument rather than finding a solution that works for both of you. "Any time you get into an argument, blow out those candles and say, 'We're going to be a couple. It's not my opinion that matters, it's our opinion. We're a team now." "Inevitably, in any marriage, four germs will try to infect your relationship and lead you to revert back to acting like a single. These four germs are: ~ "Withdrawing from an argument. ~ "Escalating during an argument --raising the emotional pitch because you're trying to win your position. ~ "Belittling your mate. - "Seeing too many negative things in your mate. "After many years of marriage, Norma and I have finally realized that the greatest antidote to these four germs --the greatest thing we could do to build a great marriage --was to honor each other. "Take a look at the following steps to honoring your mate, and you'll see how they counteract those germs. Step #1: "MAKE A DECISION THAT YOUR MATE IS HIGHLY VALUABLE. All of your spouse's differences - personality, interests, opinions, etc. are priceless. God has put you together as a team to become one. Step #2: "START MAKING A LIST TODAY OF ALL THE POSITIVE THINGS ABOUT YOUR MATE. Write down the things you love about your spouse --the things you appreciate. The principle comes from Philippians 4:8, which instructs us to dwell on 'whatever is noble, whatever is right - think on these things.' "As you start forcing yourself to find something positive in your mate every day, you start looking for it. And the more you look for it, the more you see it and the more you honor each other. "I have four and a half single spaced sheets of positive things I've written about my wife. When our relationship is strained from time to time I pull these out and start reading them. Within five minutes I feel so warm towards her; it changes my feelings and affections so rapidly. Step #3: "TELL ONE ANOTHER THESE POSITIVE THINGS ON A REGULAR BASIS. Make it a habit to praise each other. Use cards or sticky notes. Tell your children or your friends about how thrilled you are with your mate, and let them go back and tell your mate what you said. "Some of you are thinking, 'I can't do this. I can't think of anything positive.' If you can't do it, go to the Lord. He says He gives His grace to the humble. Ask for His grace. It may not happen overnight; it might take six months. When He gives you His grace, it will change your life and your marriage." .................................. So, if you're struggling with building unity in your marriage stop and ask yourself if you're spreading any of the "germs" that can block unity from happening. If you are, make a decision to use Smalley's three "antidotes" to move towards unity. Remember what the Apostle Paul said in Ephesians 4:2-3, "Be humble and gentle. Be patient with act other, making allowance for each others' faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace." What a great challenge to put forth in your marriage. May God bless you in this mission. Cindy and Steve Wright “You don’t have to be married long to discover that relationships are difficult and problems inevitable. You’ll experience disagreements that will at times force you to acknowledge the person you married seems to have disappeared and been replaced by someone who is either cranky and demanding or someone who disappears whenever there’s conflict.” (Gary and Carrie Oliver)
I think most of us can relate to the above situation that Gary and Carrie Oliver describe. Most often who we THINK we’re marrying turns out to be different than the person they become after the wedding takes place and the reality of what being married to each other takes on a life of it’s own. They go on to say in a great Marriage Partnership Magazine article entitled, Ready, Set, Grow!, “Our marriage started like many marriages. We experienced a romantic courtship and thoroughly enjoyed being together. We laughed, played, and prayed together. During our engagement we felt a clear sense of God’s blessing on our relationship. But after the wedding, the surprises started coming.” They go on to describe the many unexpected strains, and events they adjusted their way through their first few years together, including the birth of two children, that “meant less sleep and little couple time.” As they said (which many of us can relate to): Most nights we dropped into bed tired and drained. Like most couples, we expected parenthood to be a time of great joy. We didn’t understand that it’s also quite challenging. While the birth of our children didn’t throw our marriage into a crisis, it dramatically changed the dynamics. We were slowly becoming married singles. It seemed as if one morning we woke up more aware of each other’s weaknesses than strengths —more aware of what each other did wrong than right and more negative and critical of each other, our kids, our friends, and even God. Neither of us enjoyed dealing with relational problems. They made us feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, and brought up painful childhood memories. So we denied, and ignored the problems—while pretending everything was fine. We didn’t know that whenever you bury a problem, it’s buried alive. At some point it will emerge bigger, stronger, and even more threatening. Looking back now we know our experience wasn’t the exception. Most couples experience a time when it’s easy to become problem-focused. Little Irritations that were glossed over by romantic love are suddenly magnified. Combine those with the challenges and it can become overwhelming. Many couples divorce because they get stuck in a problem- focused rut and can’t see any way out. After years of struggling, we realized what we were doing wasn’t working. After much prayer and many long conversations, we discovered we’d developed a problem-focused marriage. We needed to spend less time going over the problems and more time talking about solutions. Amazingly, the mere act of looking for solutions caused the size and number of our perceived problems to shrink. But while the solution-focused stage was an improvement, even it had some limitations. We were solving more problems and arguing less, but we weren’t experiencing the depth and intensity of love God designed for marriage. God doesn’t want us merely to “get” through our problems. He wants us to “grow” through them. Jesus didn’t die and rise again so we could be mere survivors. In the words of Romans 8:37, Jesus wants to help us “become more than conquerors” and experience “overwhelming victory” (NLT). He wants to do “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20). He doesn’t want us merely to survive the difficulties; he wants us to thrive in the midst of them. For the first years of our marriage we prayed for growth —but we weren’t growth-focused. We discovered if we wanted our marriage to go from good to great, we had to take the next step. We had to move beyond merely solving problems to consciously choosing to look at our problems and our relationship from a new perspective.That’s when we began cultivating new habits that moved us into what we now call the growth-focused stage of marriage. What is growth-focused marriage? Here are some characteristics: Couples identify problems but don’t dwell on them. They look beyond the solutions to how God might use this process to teach them more about Him and/or themselves, their partners, and their marriages. They understand problems are inevitable and the real challenge is in dealing with them in such a way that honors God and each other while helping the couple grow through it. Couples take seriously the apostle Paul’s urging to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Consistent daily prayer knits hearts together, attunes couples to the leading of the Holy Spirit, increases their ability to listen, and helps them see problems in light of what they can learn from them and not just how they can get through them. Each partner takes responsibility for what God wants to do in his or her life. Whenever there’s an “issue” they actively seek to apply Psalm 139:23-24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Their first prayer is, “Lord, change me.” Couples spend more time focusing on each other’s strengths than weaknesses. They look diligently for ways to encourage each other. They try to catch each other being healthy—being patient, kind, quick to forgive, giving the benefit of the doubt, assuming the best—giving each other at least one compliment a day. That’s especially challenging when a partner is being a real jerk—but that’s also when it’s the most grace- giving. Couples really believe “God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them” (Romans 8:28, NLT). Good marriages don’t just “happen.” While couples don’t ignore problems, they choose to look beyond solving the immediate problem to the ways God might help them “become like his Son” (Romans 8:29, NLT). Couples understand that as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), so one spouse sharpens another. Sponge doesn’t sharpen sponge. Nerf doesn’t sharpen Nerf. Iron sharpens iron. When they’re faced with painful or discouraging issues, they remind each other that the product (greater love and deeper intimacy) is worth the process (dealing with the issues). Couples choose to assume the best about each other. For years we believed and taught others that “love is patient, love is kind; it is not self- seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5, 7). Now we try intentionally to live that out one day at a time. Making the journey from being problem-focused to enjoying a growth-focused marriage doesn’t happen overnight. It takes determination and a lot of energy. We still have problems. We still disagree. That’s the real world. But having problems doesn’t mean we have a problem marriage. Cultivating a growth-focused marriage has helped us see the problems and challenges in God’s hands, as opportunities for increased satisfaction.” - There's an expression that says, "It's as plain as the nose on your face." There's some truth to this as it pertains to how we live our lives within our marriages, as Christ-followers.
If both marriage partners truly applied the principles, which are outlined throughout the Word of God --the Bible, there wouldn't be all of the divorcing going on. Homes would be the places of peace rather than fighting grounds, and there wouldn't be children who cry themselves to sleep at night because their mommy and daddy fight so much and are abandoning their marital vows. Most importantly of all --God would be well pleased. What we've discovered is that the principles for loving each other in marriage are the same principles for living, as presented in the Bible. The problem is, these principles are often not lived out, as they should be, both within the home and outside of it. The Bible tells us, "Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word and does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in the mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it --he will be blessed in what he does. (James 1:23-25) How we pray you will be blessed in your marriage. But blessing comes by living in obedience to God's word consistently --living God's way, rather than man's. Like Noah, we're to live, as we should, even if everyone else around us lives otherwise. In Noah's day, everyone else lived contrary to God's ways, but everyone else was wrong. even if no one else approves or under- stands, we still need to follow God's pattern for living --without changing His instructions. This isn't easy, by any stretch of the imagination. But lets face it, there's nothing easy about living as a child of God. It never has been easy and it never will be. Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." (Luke 9:23-26) It's one thing to SAY we believe in God and we believe in His Word -- the Bible. But it's another to be authentic and LIVE what we say we believe. If we aren't living God's truth both within our home and marriages, as well as outside of it, we're no better than "white washed stones" --we look good on the outside for others to see, but there's rottenness within. To be a follower of Christ means we aren't to be distracted form LIVING Christ, no matter where we are no matter what. As Elisabeth Elliot says, "God has ordained that we participate." We're to participate in living out that which God expects, and not manipulate it to OUR way of thinking. When we look at what we're told in Luke 9:23, the question can be asked, "What type of 'denying' is involved in marriage? Essentially, it involves emptying ourselves of anything that stands in the way of living our lives, as God would have us. It's: -- "Speaking the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15) --motivated by loving our spouse's ultimate good beyond even our own comfort. This involves speaking truth in a way that is respectful, and GOD honoring. If for no other reason, we're to speak respectfully to our spouse as if we are speaking it "as unto the Lord." -- Being "slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:19). -- Not letting "any unwholesome talk come from your mouth, but only according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29). We need to remember that not only is our spouse hearing what we say and how we say it, but so is God and others. Is what you're saying and how you're saying it benefiting those who hear your words? -- Getting "rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every other form of malice" (Ephesians 4:31) --that's what denying yourself involves. -- Being "kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32) is also what God expects of us. -- Being "imitators of God, therefore as dearly loved children" and "living a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Ephesians 5:1-2) is something else God expects of His children. -- To "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" --a command for both the wife AND the husband as outlined in the Bible in Ephesians 5:21-23, is important in a Christian marriage. As you live out these principles in your marriage, not only will you, your spouse and your household be blessed, but others will be given the opportunity to better see the heart of Christ reflected in your lives together. To view, and possibly discuss other love-reflecting, God principles, as laid out in the Bible, we put together a long list of scriptures, which we link to, in this Marriage Message, posted on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com. (If you don't have access to the Internet, perhaps you can find someone else who does, who will copy them and send them to you.) If you think you're too busy to read God's Word together, author/speaker Zig Ziglar gives the following tip: "Even though my travels take me out of town a great deal, I call my wife each evening at an appointed time and we discuss what the day's Scriptures have meant to each of us." Great idea, huh? If that won't work for you, then ask God to help you think outside outside the box and FIND a way. It's amazing how resourceful we can be, if we really determine to do something. This can be a challenge for us all! (Steve and I are doing this too.) And if you don't have a spouse that will do this with you, ask God to partner all the more in speaking to YOU through His Word to help you to be the spouse He wants you to be -- one He can minister to and through. May God bless you as you in your efforts to reflect the heart of Christ in your marriage. Cindy and Steve Wright If we're completely honest, we all came into our marriages with
unrealistic expectations, which eventually took us by surprise. Even though this can be both disappointing and frustrating, we don't have to continually live that way. To help us work through these issues, in this Marriage Message, we're providing some practical advice, which we found in the book, "Marriage -- Clues for the Clueless," published by Barbour Publishing. Please prayerfully consider the following: FOUR PROFOUND LAWS ABOUT EXPECTATIONS: 1. We ALL have them about everything (from books to movies, from holidays, to how we spend our days off). 2. The degree to which reality fails to measure up to our expectations, is the degree to which we will feel disappointed. 3. Repeated disappointments may lead to disenchantment, despair, or even disgust. 4. These first three laws are especially at work in marriage. A FEW OF THE MAIN AREAS ABOUT WHICH MARRIED COUPLES HAVE EXPECTATIONS: -Intimate Issues - Spending Patterns - Holidays - Time with Family - Vacations - Exercise - Use of Free Time - Communication Habits/Styles - Diet - Hobbies - Shopping - Clothes - Sleep Habits - Pets - Time Apart - Socializing - Children (how many, discipline, etc.) - Decorating - Finances (giving, saving, investing) - Roles (as a husband or wife) - Entertainment Are any of these areas ones that you've had conflicts over? Well, marital expectations are generally subconscious and seldom verbalized, so that, for example, HE comes into the marriage "assuming" that the husband and wife go to bed together at 10 o'clock. (After all, this is what his mother and father did.) Meanwhile SHE is envisioning that they will stay up late and if she isn't tired at the same time he is, she can stay up later. (Because this is what was modeled for her as she was growing up.) Do you see the potential for disappointment or conflict? WHAT CAN COUPLES DO TO MINIMIZE THE DISAPPOINTMENT? 1. Talk about your expectations. The ideal time to clarify expectations is before marriage. It's really helpful to know (prior to saying, "I do") that, while your heart is set on five or six kids, your beloved is expecting maybe one (& only if that one can come with a low-maintenance guarantee.) However, every couple (even after the wedding) is wise to make a list like the one above and work through it together. And that leads to the next important step. 2. Compromise. If SHE wants to hang the giant cat picture over the living room sofa, but HE was expecting many motif-like heads of slain animals, clearly both sides need to give a little. Stubbornness will get you nowhere. Well, actually, it will get you lots of places... they're just not places a couple needs to go. 3. Do away with unrealistic expectations. If you're both schoolteachers (and thus, like all educators, vastly underpaid) it's probably not realistic to expect that you and your spouse will be able to spend each summer at your own private villa overlooking the Mediterranean. Be a bit more reasonable. Lower your sights a tad. If you're really careful and creative, you might be able to afford an annual camping trip to some national park. 4. Learn the difference between hoping for something and demanding something. Example: While at the office Dave catches a whiff of perfume. Somehow (and scientists are not sure how this happens since this is such a rare phenomenon among men) this scent causes Dave to envision an intimate evening with his wife Dianne. As he mulls over the prospect in his mind, he moves subtly from, "Man, that sure would be romantic!" to "By golly, I'm going for it tonight!" Now Dave has an expectations (perhaps even a demanding spirit). What happens now if he gets home and Diane has a headache? 5. Learn the art of contentment. Be appreciative for what you've got. Develop an attitude of gratitude. Those with long "wish lists" tend to be the unhappiest people. The Apostle Paul gives us the picture of what a Christ-follower's attitude should be in Philippians 4:11-12 where he says, "For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." 6. Be accepting. Romans 15:7 encourages us to accept one another, just as Christ has accepted us. It's wise to apply this principle when discussing expectations with your spouse. Yeah, his expectation of "no leftovers ever" is a bit extreme. But so is your expectation that he never be a minute late anywhere. ....................................... Now would be a good time begin the process of looking at areas in your marriage, where you've encountered conflict (tackling Keep in mind that it's not just what you've lived through, but what you've "learned through" that is important. We challenge you to apply what was presented above to build relationship bridges, rather than the growing walls of contention you've lived with in the past. Prayerfully do this with the Holy Spirit as your Wonderful Counselor, and like us, you will stand amazed! "May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!" (Romans 15:5-6) Cindy and Steve Wright P.S. If you think of others who may benefit from these weekly messages, please forward this to them and encourage them to subscribe to this FREE ministry. To subscribe, go to http://tinyurl.com/2a89yf, click on the message groups that you want, fill in the necessary information and click on "Submit". Every week we add new articles to our web site, www.marriagemissions.com, so visit often because you'll find other helpful marriage information. If you don't have access to the internet, you can send an e-mail to [email protected] and write "Subscribe to Marriage Messages" in the subject line. "Marriage demands toughness, and toughness proceeds out of commitment. No
marriage will ever be stronger than the commitment that serves as its infrastructure" (Neil Clark Warren). Not too many of us, when we get married, think that marriage will demand out of us what it does - a toughness to weather storms we never knew we'd battle. But that's a big part of what happens in marriage. We're often blind-sided by difficulties, which require a real infrastructure of commitment to get past the negativity that comes into a relationship. To help us keep our commitment strong through those tough times, we'd like to share something Dr. Neil Clark Warren wrote in his book, "Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life" (Tyndale House Publishers), on this subject: "For most people, the demands of marriage are mind-boggling. It requires all of the energy you can give --and then it asks for more. It involves a continued need for negotiation and compromise, for give and more give. "Mind you, I'm a big believer in marriage. I have never seen happier, more deeply satisfied people than men and women who have made their marriages work. But neither have I met many people in highly successful marriages who got there without an enormous expenditure of energy, courage and determination. There were times they simply had to be 'willful.' "Virtually every successful marriage requires all kinds of willpower. Sometimes issues arise and the partners don't have the necessary skills to manage them. They essentially have two choices: give up and run away, or get about the task of developing the required skills. "Partners with willpower adopt the second alternative. They wouldn't think of giving up. They're ready to go to work on the problem, ready to do whatever they must to keep their marriage healthy for a lifetime. "The foundation of willpower is a set of marital promises. It is this set of promises that serves as the steel structure of every great marriage. Both partners need to know exactly what they originally promised to each other, and they need to be currently committed to those promises so that their willpower will always be stronger than any opposing force. "Marriage doesn't just happen! It takes solid set of decisions, a huge amount of skill, and enormous willpower. I contend that people in extremely healthy marriages built those marriages just as you build a mammoth bridge or skyscraper. They made their marriage triumphant because they simply wouldn't settle for less. "It doesn't matter to them how much back-breaking work it requires; if it were necessary, they would do a thousand times more. Their willpower gives them this kind of toughness. "The problems for a marriage in this society are too demanding for out-of- shape marital players to handle. There are too many ways that a marriage can be destroyed; in order for it to be successful, both marriage partners must be highly focused and highly energized. This focus and energy come directly from a keen sense of the promises they have made. These promises must be as current as their breathing. "If these promises haven't been burned into their brains, the inevitable problems will roll right over the top of them. Their marriage will be demolished. My experience tells me that a high proportion of married people are totally unfit to face complex marital challenges. Often, they become flabby from inattention to their original decision-their early commitment. They have done almost nothing recently to prepare themselves for the demanding events that are always lurking. "They're like tennis players who haven't played for a long time. When they face an opponent who is well practiced and in peak condition, they get slaughtered. They aren't ready! How come? No one warned them to stay tough! Why not? Because everyone, especially the two of them simply assumed that they could make it fine on the basis of their love, warm feelings, and past success. This assumption is absurd, but it's responsible for the overpowering of out-of-shape marriage partners by the enormously demanding, but inevitable, problems involved in building a successful marriage. "I'm convinced that until we start seeing marriage more realistically, the divorce rate is going to stay at epidemic levels. Marriage is incredibly difficult! We had better start recognizing this. Anyone who is going to succeed in marriage needs determination. Obviously, great skillfulness is required, but the development of the necessary skills often takes time. "That's why you need to have a current, deeply owned, thoroughly rehearsed set of promises to your mate. If you don't have this, if you're out of shape, if you aren't ready for a slew of tough battles that will test your endurance, then you're in danger of becoming a divorce statistic. "Don't kid yourself. Great marriages are the result of backbreaking work! They simply do not come easily. Two people must be skillful and strong. They need to be tough! Strength and toughness come from reciting over and over [something two clients, Sue and Jim, came up with]: 'I will love you when the times are good or bad. I will cherish you even when I am upset with you. I will honor you at all times. I will never be disloyal to you. And I mean this forever. So help me God.'" .......................................... Aren't Sue and Jim's words a great "pledge of allegiance" to the marriage vows? It's something we all need to embrace as married couples --something we need to teach young couples who are about to be married, as well. Another way of saying it is, "Marriage Isn't for Wimps!" In our marriage, we've found that as we tough things out, determining that NOTHING will separate us --emotionally, spiritually, or physically, "So help us God," our relationship continues to grow healthier and more satisfying with each passing year. (We're now 39+ years and counting.) "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend [marital partner] can help him up. But pity the man [or wife] who has no one to help him [her] up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). If you haven't already committed yourself to this marriage toughness -- this 3 strand commitment, today can be a new beginning as you ask God to help you to begin to make it so, starting NOW! |
Ana & Andre Schoonbee God uses us to motivate and encourage the body. Authors
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