Grace Roles by Steve and Cyndy Wright

  “We live by encouragement and die without it—slowly, sadly, angrily.” 
  (Celeste Holm) “The lack of encouragement is almost epidemic today. It’s
   the reason people dread going to work in the morning. It’s why kids can’t
   wait to get out of school — and why some people can’t wait to get out of
   a marriage. What is it that enables us to give our mates this crucial
   encouragement? Grace—it’s the lubricant that lessens the friction in
   marriage and keeps the gears of the relationship running smoothly.” 
   (Dr Charles Swindoll) Cindy and I (Steve) firmly believe that what Chuck
   Swindoll says about encouragement being “the oil that lubricates our soul”
   is so true and necessary to apply in marriage. One of my (Steve’s)
   prominent spiritual gifts is being an encourager. Because encouraging
   others comes easy for me, it’s hard to imagine that there are so many 
   spouses (maybe even you) who never hear an encouraging word from their
   mate. But where does the ability to encourage come from? Pastor, author,
   and speaker, Chuck Swindoll, believes it is linked to grace (showing
   favor to someone even if they don’t deserve it). And Chuck’s premise
   is that if we understand our Biblical roles as husbands and wives, we
   will begin to see that through the grace of God we all have the power
   to be an encourager in our marriages. The problem we have, is that the
   “roles” that husband and wives play in marriage have been blurred in
   recent times. Although that can be a bad thing — when the new “role”
   that is being lived out is in conflict with what God’s Word says. But
   it can be a good thing when one partner has dominated over the other
   in an un-Biblical way but now is backing away from that approach.  

   This Marriage Message is not going to give you a list of roles for
   Godly husbands and Godly wives. Rather we’re going to touch upon a 
   few points where you might give grace (unmerited favor) and encouragement
   to your spouse. One point we’d like to touch upon is where the Bible 
   tells the man he is responsible for is the spiritual leadership of the
   home. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and
   gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing
   with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant
   church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and
   blameless.” (Ephesians 5:25-27) When you wash your wife with the water
   of the Word, just make sure you don’t drown her with it by pushing 
   her face into it to such an extent that instead of being drawn to it
   she runs away from it because you overwhelm her with your power. Give
   her grace and encourage her by letting her see you living the water of
   the Word out in your life to such an extent that she wants to drink of
   it also — much as what the woman at the well experienced by the way 
   Jesus approached her.  And wives: give your husband grace in learning 
   how to be the spiritual leader. “I think a wife needs to understand 
   that it may take years for a man to grow spiritually so that he can
   lead his wife in this area. I would guess that most men did not have
   a good model of spiritual leadership in their homes as they grew up.
   Barbara and I have prayed regularly as a couple for our entire marriage.
   But it has only been in the last few years that we have had morning
   devotions with the kids before they headed off to school. In the past,
   we would have devotions, but with a young family and an incredible
   diversity of age span and needs, it was sporadic. And it was a challenge!”
   (Dennis Rainey, from the article posted on the Family Life Web site
   Familylife.com, titled, “A Husband’s Spiritual Leadership”)
   One thing that could help with this could be the list of “25 Ways
   to Spiritually Lead Your Wife” which is posted on the Family Life
   Today web site at Familylife.com. Three of the 25 — which we will
   add comments to with [brackets] around them are:

   1. Pray daily with her. [A good thing would be to pray WITH her and FOR her.]
   2. Discover her top 3 needs and over the next 12 months go all out to meet them.
   3. Protect your family from evil [and that includes any evil that you 
      might say to them if you abuse them with unkind and unwholesome words].
   And then there is the part of the Bible that tells women: “A wife of noble
   character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband
   has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him
   good, not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:10-12)
   Wives: are you acting as a wife of noble character bringing your husband
   good and not nagging him so much that he can’t hear the Lord speaking to
   his heart?  
   The Bible tells the wife to “submit to the husband as unto the Lord.” This 
   doesn’t mean she is to be a weak, un-opinionated woman. But read what
   Cynthia Heald says about it. She said, “Submission is ducking low enough
   to let God fix your husband.”  Can you do that? If so, you’re fulfilling
   a distinct role as a Godly wife. God is your husband’s Holy Spirit—not
   you. “Ephesians 5:33 commands, “The wife must respect her husband.” There
   are times when that is a hard job; you may not feel that your husband is
   worthy of respect. However, you are still commanded to respect him.
   Even if there are many things that he has done wrong, you can find 
   something to respect. Try to remember what you respected about him when
   you were dating. Does he work hard to financially support the family?
   Does he play ball with your child? He may not be doing all that you
   wish he were doing, but you have to focus positively on the things
   that he is doing. Verbalize to him your appreciation. When you affirm
   him and let him know that you value his work, it will be easier for
   him to continue to lead lovingly.” (Barbara Rainey, from the article, 
   “A Wife’s Job Description” posted on the Familylife.com web site)
   And husbands: are you listening to your wife as the help-mate God
   assigned her to be for you in marriage? When you do that, she doesn’t
   feel as desperate to “nag.”
   Read what author Gary Thomas said about his wife (which hopefully may
   inspire you to do the same. He wrote: “I refer to my wife as my “God 
   thermometer.” If I wake up and discover that I am not moved by the
   miracle of her life and love for me; if I am not cherishing her and
   honoring her, I look up and do a heart check with God. The fact is, 
   God knows my wife far better than I do, and He cherishes her. The
   closer I grow to Him and the more time I spend communing with Him,
   the more He will share with me His heart for my wife. I’ve come to 
   learn that the state of my marriage has as much to say about my 
   relationship with God as it does about my relationship with my wife.
   (From the article, The Transforming Miracle of Marriage, as posted
   on ncfliving.org) This week we exhort you to begin to encourage
   your spouse. Don’t wait for him or her to do it first. You start…
   even if he or she doesn’t “deserve” to be encouraged! By doing so
   you are exercising what God’s word tells us to do.

      Steve and Cindy Wright