When we marry most of us don’t often think about changing our behavior so
we “become one” as the scriptures tell us to do. So many marriage ceremonies even include lighting a Unity Candle which is to symbolize two individual lives then becoming one But do we? Do we, from that day forward, start behaving as if we’re united as a marital team just because we pledge that we will? Steve and I (Cindy) have to confess that we didn’t. For some unexplainable reason it never even occurred to us that we’d need to be intentional in becoming a “we” instead of an alone “him” and “her” after we’re married. I guess we just assumed we would act differently. But in all honesty we really didn’t. It’s not that any of us stopped being a “him” and a “her” on our wedding day, but after marriage if our individual behavior causes problems within our married lives we need to talk about it and come to some kind of a compromise so our marriage isn’t hurt by it and the “WE” breaks apart. Otherwise, what was the purpose of marrying in the first place? Read a section of what Dr David Ludwig says on the subject on, “Think We, Not Me” from the book, Lovers for Life, published by Christian Publications. (This book has many contributing authors, which David Ludwig is one of them.) He writes: Think of the last time the mood shifted between the two of you. Perhaps it was last night when Mother called, or when you talked about money. Let me guess who you blamed for your frustration and internal upset. It wasn’t yourself, so you blamed the only other person you could see, right? Well, you made a critical error! Neither of you controls the mood of your relationship. The “we” controls the atmosphere! When the two of you are allies and your spirits are united, the mood is uplifting and friendly. But when the “we” breaks down and you are at odds with each other, the mood shifts to turbulent and upsetting. When you harbor resentment toward each other, a bad mood settles into the relationship. No wonder Paul advises, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace”(Ephesians 4:3). He uses even stronger language in Philippians 2:1-2: If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. When you are “one in spirit,” you have a safe place with each other. The mood is friendly, and you are allies. You are a “we” and are working together. It is safe to share your thoughts and feelings with each other. You can be “soul mates.” But when the “we” breaks down, it’s no longer safe! You’re defensive and guarded. The relationship splits into “you” and “me.” There is no one in charge, and the atmosphere becomes uncertain and confusing. Both of you get your feelings hurt and end up upset and angry with each other. Since you cannot see the “we,” you blame each other for the hurt and frustration. You think, If only he/she would not react that way. Then you spend your energy trying to change the other person. But the other person is not to blame! You cannot see the “we,” but it does control the spirit (mood) of the relationship. When this “one another” breaks down, the mood shifts. No wonder the apostle Paul uses the words one another so often: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). The “one another” is the “we.” The deep spiritual meaning of this passage is to make the “we” more important than the “me.” When your feelings are hurt and you’re upset, it’s natural to nurse hurt feelings and seek to get even. Both of these actions put the “me” as more important than the “we.” So how do you do the “unnatural” and put the “we above your own hurt and upset? The answer is in the aforementioned verse: out of reverence for Christ.” The Holy Spirit can change your attitude at this critical moment. Christ’s presence has the power to change your heart and mind to make this shift from “me” to “we.” As you pray, ”Lord, help my spirit; help change my attitude, ”His Spirit will be at work in your heart to change reality. Call this a “reality check.” Right in the midst of your desire to nurse your hurt feelings, Christ will remind you of His love and of your love for one another. This will help to put the relationship in its proper place—the “we” will become more important than the “me.” The next time the mood shifts and you are left confused, hurt and upset, try the following steps: 1. Become aware that the “we” just broke down. 2. Stop blaming the other person. 3. Assume that there has been a misunderstanding. 4. Offer a prayer to get your attitude right. 5. Approach the other person in the right spirit. 6. Begin by saying, ” WE have a problem. Let’s talk.” Don’t think this is easy! It is highly unnatural. It is more natural to \ assume that the other person is to blame. This is what puts the “me” above the “we.” So don’t overlook the importance of bringing Christ into the equation. His love changes reality. His presence can make the “we” more important than the “me.” Put the following on your refrigerator door or bathroom mirror: SUBMIT TO ONE ANOTHER OUT OF REVERENCE TO CHRIST. We pray this has been helpful. It’s a great reminder to all of us—Steve and I included, because we can all get self-centered in our behavior sometimes—even though we should know better! It’s our prayer that we will all do better on this in the present and in the future. Steve and Cindy Wright Comments are closed.
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Ana & Andre Schoonbee God uses us to motivate and encourage the body. Authors
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