Let's begin with the assumption that you and your spouse do not agree about something. It may be about how to meet an unmet need, or about a overcoming a thoughtless habit that is bothering one of you. In fact, it may be about anything that has become a conflict.
Chances are that you have been responding to this issue in one of three ways: 1) ignoring your own feelings and doing it your spouse's way, 2) ignoring your spouse's feelings and doing it your way, or 3) ignoring the problem entirely. Negotiation, however, requires something very different--taking your feelings and the feelings of your spouse into account simultaneously. The following guidelines will help you achieve that very important objective: Guideline 1: Set ground rules to make negotiation pleasant and safe. Most couples view negotiation as a trip to the torture chamber. That's because their efforts are usually fruitless, and they come away from the experience battered and bruised. Who wants to negotiate when you have nothing but disappointment and pain to look forward to? So before you begin to negotiate, set some basic ground rules to make sure that you both enjoy the experience. Why? Because you repeat activities that you like, and avoid those you don't like. Since you should negotiate as often as a conflict arises, it should always be an enjoyable experience so you make it a regular part of your married life. To be certain that you will have a pleasant and safe negotiating environment, I suggest three ground rules. Ground Rule #1: Try to be pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations It's fairly easy to start discussing an issue while in a good mood. But negotiations can open a can of worms, so be prepared for negative emotional reactions. Your spouse may begin to feel uncomfortable about something you say. In fact, out of the clear blue, he or she may inform you that there will be no further discussion. I know how upset and defensive couples can become when they first tell each other how they feel about they way they have been treated by each other. That's why I first coach them individually to prepare them for negative comments. I simply tell them what I am telling you--try to be as positive and cheerful as you can be, especially if your spouse says something that offends you. Ground Rule #2: Put safety first-do not make demands, show disrespect, or become angry when you negotiate, even if your spouse makes demands, shows disrespect, or becomes angry with you Once the cat is out of the bag and you have told each other what is bothering you or what you want, you have entered one of the most dangerous phases of negotiation. If your feelings have been hurt, you are tempted to retaliate. Your Taker is very persuasive at this point, and unless you make a special effort to resist its advice, your negotiation will turn into an argument. But if you can keep each other safe, you will be able to use your intelligence to help you make the changes you both need. Ground Rule #3: If you reach an impasse where you do not seem to be getting anywhere, or if one of you is starting to make demands, show disrespect, or become angry, stop negotiating and come back to the issue later. Just because you can't resolve a problem at a particular point in time doesn't mean you can't find an intelligent solution in the future. Don't let an impasse prevent you from giving yourself a chance to think about the issue. Let it incubate for a while, and you'll be amazed what your mind can do. If your negotiation turns sour, and one of you succumbs to the temptation of the Taker with demands, disrespect or anger, end the discussion by changing the subject to something more pleasant. After a brief pause, your spouse may apologize and wish to return to the subject that was so upsetting. But don't go back into the minefield until it has been swept clear of mines. The mines, of course, are demands, disrespect and anger, and you must discuss how to avoid them before you return to the issue. You can't negotiate if your Takers' destructive instincts control your discussion. Guideline 2: Identify the problem from both perspectives. Once you have set ground rules that guarantee a safe and enjoyable discussion, you are ready to negotiate. But where do you begin? First, you must understand the problem from the perspectives of both you and your spouse. Most couples go into marital negotiation without doing their homework. They don't fully understand the conflict itself, nor do they understand each other's perspectives. In many cases, they are not even sure what they really want. One of the responsibilities of a marriage counselor is to help couples clarify the issues that separate them. I'm amazed at how often the clarification itself solves the problem. "Oh, that's what we've been fighting about!" many couples say. And once they understand the issue and each other's opinions, they realize that the conflict is not as serious as they thought. Or when the issue is clarified, the solution is immediately apparent and the conflict is resolved. Respect is the key to success in this phase of negotiation. Once the issue has been identified, and you hear each other's perspectives, it is extremely important to understand each other--not try to straighten each other out. Remember that your goal is enthusiastic agreement, and there is no way you will be enthusiastic if you reject each other's perspectives. In fact, the only way you will reach an enthusiastic agreement is if you not only understand each other, but also come up with a solution that accommodates each other's perspectives. It's so much easier to negotiate the right way when your goal is enthusiastic agreement. It eliminates all the strategies that attempt to wear each other down with abuse. You may as well forget about demands because they never lead to an enthusiastic agreement. The same can be said for disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. If you are looking for real solutions to your problem, you will find them in whatever yields an enthusiastic agreement. But when I take demands, disrespect and anger away from some couples, they are left feeling naked. They don't know how to discuss an issue if they can't demand, show disrespect or express their anger. And without those Love Busters they often feel hopeless about resolving their problems, because they have rarely approached their problems with the goal of finding a win-win solution. And they simply don't know how to do it. It's as if the only way they know how to communicate in marriage is through demands, disrespect and anger. Is that true of you and your spouse? If so, remember that with practice you will begin to feel more comfortable approaching every conflict with the goal of mutual agreement. You learn to ask each other questions, not to embarrass each other but to gain a fuller understanding of what it would take to make each other happy. And when you think you have the information you need to consider win-win solutions, you are ready for the next step. Guideline 3: Brainstorm with abandon. You've set the ground rules. You've identified the problem from each other's perspective. Now you're ready for the creative part--looking for solutions that you think will make you both happy. I know that can seem impossible if you and your spouse have drifted into incompatibility. But the climb back to Intimacy has to start somewhere, and if you put your minds to it, you'll think of options that please you both. The secret to understanding your spouse is to think like your spouse's Taker. It's easy to appeal to your spouse's Giver. "If she really loves me, she'll let me do this." or "He'll be thoughtful enough to agree with that, I'm sure." But lasting peace must be forged with your spouse's Taker, so your solutions must appeal to your spouse's most selfish instincts. At the same time, it must also appeal to your own selfish instincts. When you brainstorm, quantity is often more important than quality. Let your minds run wild; go with just about any thought that might satisfy both of your Takers. If you let your creative side run free, you are more likely to find a lasting solution. Carry a pad of paper or a pocket notebook, with you so you can write down ideas as you think of them throughout the day. Some problems may require days of thought, and pages of ideas. But keep in mind your goal-a solution that would appeal to both of your Takers. Resist one type of solution that your Giver and Taker may suggest the "I'll let you do what you want this time if you let me do what I want next time" solution. For example, imagine that you want to go out with your friends after work, leaving your spouse with the children. So to arrive at an enthusiastic agreement for that thoughtless activity, you suggest that you take the children another night so that your spouse can go out with his or her friends. What you're really proposing here is that each of you will sacrifice so that the other can have fun. The problem with that arrangement is that you are agreeing to behavior that makes one of you unhappy whenever the other is happy, and as I've said earlier, once you have made an agreement, it can easily turn into a habit. The Giver and Taker suggest those kinds of win-lose solutions because they don't understand win-win solutions. Their concept of fairness is that if you are both suffering equally, that's fair. My view of negotiation is that by the time you are finished you should have arrived at a solution where neither of you suffers. And each part of the solution should not require either of you to sacrifice so that the other can be happy. Guideline 4: Choose the solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement -- mutual and enthusiastic agreement. After brainstorming, you will have come up with some good and some bad solutions. Now you need to sort through them. Good solutions are those both you and your spouse consider desirable. In other words they meet the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement. Bad solutions, on the other hand, only take the feelings of one spouse into account at the expense of the other. The best solution is the one that makes you and your spouse most enthusiastic. Many problems are relatively easy to solve. You will be amazed at how quickly you can find an enthusiastic agreement to some problems when you have decided to hold off on any action until you both agree. That's because when you know you must take each other's feelings into account, you become increasingly aware of what it will take to reach a mutual agreement. Instead of considering options that are clearly not in your spouse's best interest, you reject them immediately and begin to think of options you know would make both you and your spouse happy. It's amazing how smart you can be when you direct your mind to find smart solutions. For example, consider the situation we mentioned above. You would like to go out with your friends after work, leaving your spouse with the children. Before you had agreed to the Policy of Joint Agreement, you may have simply called your spouse to say you would be late, or worse yet, arrived home late without having called. But now, you must come to an enthusiastic agreement prior to the event. It certainly restricts your freedom of choice, but on the other hand, it protects your spouse from your thoughtless behavior. After having presented your case, you would probably hear immediate objections. Your spouse might feel that he or she does not appreciate your having fun while he or she is home battling the kids. "Besides," your spouse might mention, "our leisure activities should be with each other." In response, you might suggest that your spouse drop the kids off at your parents' (which you will call to make the arrangements) and join you. If you and your spouse can enthusiastically agree on that suggestion, you are home free. Your parents take your children for a couple of hours, and your spouse joins you wherever it was you were planning to meet your friends. Problem solved. In fact, if going out after work with friends becomes a regular event, you can plan ahead for it by arranging the child-care in advance. Of course, other problems can be very difficult to solve, involving many steps. Learning how to meet each other's emotional needs, for example, can require quite a bit of trial and error, along with the time and energy it takes to create the habits that eventually make meeting a need almost effortless. If one of you struggles with an addiction, you will find that the Policy of Joint Agreement simply cannot be followed at all until you have overcome the addiction. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, or any other addiction, you will find that thoughtfulness is almost impossible to practice as long as you are addicted. You must sweep the addiction completely out of your life before you will be able to negotiate in the way I have suggested. When a couple has tried to follow my advice, but can't seem to negotiate with each other regardless of how hard they try, addiction is usually the culprit. In fact, a good way to determine if you are addicted to a substance or activity is to see if you can follow the Policy of Joint Agreement after you have agreed to it. If you find you can't, chances are, you're an addict.If you follow the guidelines I have suggested, negotiation can be an enjoyable way to learn about each other. And if you avoid unpleasant scenes and negotiate to an enthusiastic agreement, you can resolve with relative ease all of the many conflicts you will have throughout life. One last point: Whenever a conflict arises, keep in mind the importance of depositing as many love units as possible while avoiding withdrawals. In other words, use the opportunity to find a solution that will make your spouse happy, and avoid solutions that make either of you unhappy. Grandmother and her grandson are shopping at the Supermarket.
Grandma : "Diploma, give me the sugar. Diploma, put down that packet of sweets. Cashier : "Granny, is your grandson's name Diploma?" Grandma : "Yes." Cashier : Why 'Diploma'? Grandma :"Because I sent my daughter to Technikon and this is what she brought back." My nephew's 10 year old son came for a visit one hot, July weekend. I was enticing him to stay inside by joining him in a Wii game. After being mercilessly defeated by a more experienced player, I suggested that we relax awhile. I collapsed into my favorite recliner to let my neck muscles relax and my ego recover from such a beating. He had slipped out of the room and I was catching a few relished moments of peace and quiet.
"Look, Alice," he said enthusiastically as he ran over to the chair where I was recovering. "I found a kite. Could we go outside and fly it?" Glancing out a nearby window, I noticed there was not a breeze stirring. "I'm sorry, Tripper," I said, sad to see his disappointed eyes, but thankful for the respite from more activity. "The wind is not blowing today. The kite won't fly." The determined 10 year old replied. "I think it's windy enough. I can get it to fly," he answered, as he hurried out the back door. I peeked through the slats in the venetian blinds to watch determination in action. Up and down the yard he ran, pulling the kite attached to a small length of string. The plastic kite, proudly displaying a picture of Batman, remained about shoulder level. He ran back and forth, as hard as his ten year old legs would carry him, looking back hopefully at the kite trailing behind. After about ten minutes of unsuccessful determination, he came back in. I asked, "How did it go?" "Fine," he said, not wanting to admit defeat. "I got it to fly some." As he walked past me to return the kite to the closet shelf, I heard him say under his breath, "I guess I'll have to wait for the wind." At that moment I heard another Voice speak to my heart. "Alice. Sometimes you are just like that. You want to do it your way instead of waiting for the Wind." And the voice was right. How easy it is to use our own efforts to accomplish what we want to do. We wait for the Wind only after we have done all we can and have exhausted our own strength. We must learn how to rely on Him in the first place!!! "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) "For we through the Spirit wait for the hope of righteousness by faith". (Galatians 5:5) God is being patient with you. He does not want anyone to be lost, but he wants all people to change their hearts and lives. 2Pe 3:9 [To those who embrace Christ as Saviour,] he has promised a new birth. Does that mean the old nature will never rear its ugly head? Does that mean you will instantly be able to resist any temptation? To answer that question, compare your new birth in Christ to a newborn baby. Can a newborn walk? Can he feed himself? Can he sing or read or speak? No, not yet. But someday he will. It takes time to grow. But is the parent in the delivery room ashamed of the baby? Is the mom embarrassed that the infant can't spell … that the baby can't walk … that the newborn can't give a speech? Of course not. The parents aren't ashamed; they are proud. They know that growth will come with time. So does God. A Gentle Thunder (Max Lucado) Following God is easier when we are led by His Spirit rather than by our emotions. It is God's greatest desire that, as believers, you and I progressively learn how to be led by His Spirit. However, there is a powerful enemy that stands in the way: our emotions. Satan is the most powerful enemy we face externally, but internally, it's our emotions that give us some of the biggest problems. Emotions are strong, complex internal responses that result in bodily changes. They are sometimes helpful and at other times hurtful. They come in positives and negatives. They are not evil, but they also are not holy. Emotions can make you laugh one hour and cry the next. Not wanting them doesn't stop them from coming, and wanting them doesn't make them come.
They are apt to quit on us when we need them most and flare up when we wish they would go away.The truth is, we are always going to have emotions, and it's not a sin to have them. It's when we follow them that we often get into trouble. But I believe through the power of the Holy Spirit, you and I can learn how to recognize our feelings and realize where they are trying to take us. Then by His grace, we can learn how to manage our emotions instead of letting them manage us. UNDERSTANDING OUR EMOTIONS. Emotions, or feelings, are part of our soulish realm. We are a spirit, we have a soul, and we live in a body. Our soul is the intangible area between our spirit--the place where God lives--and our physical body. It is made up of our mind, will and emotions--it tells us what we think, what we want and how we feel. Of these three areas of the soul, it's our feelings that get stirred up the fastest and can lead us into temptation the quickest. Once our emotions get stirred up, they can quickly deceive our mind. After this happens, the voice of our conscience, which operates out of our spirit, is denied its normal standard of judgment. In other words, our God-given inner voice of insight and understanding becomes drowned out by the cries of our emotions. In this unstable state, we don't know God's will for our lives. We become confused about what we should and shouldn't do. As a result, we commit to things that God doesn't want us to commit to, we quit doing things that God wants us to remain a part of, and we say things that damage our relationships. When we follow our feelings instead of following God's Spirit, we are living the life of the flesh, and it keeps us out of God's will. Romans 8:8 says that "those who are living the life of the flesh [catering to the appetites and impulses of their carnal nature] cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him" (The Amplified Bible). This doesn't mean that God doesn't love us. What it does mean is that He is not satisfied with nor will He accept fleshly behavior. It is imperative that we learn how to walk in the Spirit. When we "walk and live [habitually] in the [Holy] Spirit [responsive to and controlled and guided by the Spirit]; then [we] will certainly not gratify the cravings and desires of the flesh (of human nature without God)" (Gal. 5:16). How do we learn to walk in the Spirit? I believe one of the best ways is to understand the differences between the natural man, the carnal man and the spiritual man. THE NATURAL MAN AND THE CARNAL MAN In 1 Corinthians 2 and 3, the apostle Paul talks about two types of people that are led by their fleshly desires--the natural man and the carnal man. The natural man is the person who is not saved--his spirit is dead and totally devoid of God's Spirit. He "does not accept or welcome or admit into his heart the gifts and teachings and revelations of the Spirit of God, for they are folly (meaningless nonsense) to him; and he is incapable of knowing them (of progressively recognizing, understanding, and becoming better acquainted with them) because they are spiritually discerned and estimated and appreciated" (1 Cor. 2:14). Since God is a Spirit and the things about Him are spiritually discerned, the natural man cannot understand anything about God. Why? Because his spirit is dead in sin (see Eph. 2:1). The carnal man, on the other hand, has experienced new birth in Christ. But although his spirit has been made alive through his faith in Jesus, his life is dominated by the desires of the flesh--the combined cravings of his body and soul. He does what he wants and is aimlessly led around by his feelings. The carnal man is a people-pleaser who cares more about what people think than about obeying God. This was the case with many of the Corinthians. It is also the way many Christians are living today. Look at what Paul says: "For you are still [unspiritual, having the nature] of the flesh [under the control of ordinary impulses]. For as long as [there are] envying and jealousy and wrangling and factions among you, are you not unspiritual and of the flesh, behaving yourselves after a human standard and like mere (unchanged) men?" (1 Cor. 3:3). In other words, Paul is saying that these carnal Christians were immature and operating out of their emotions--whatever they felt like saying and whatever they felt like doing, they did. Carnal Christians are easy to identify. They are usually in strife, discontent, easily offended and lacking peace. For many years of my early walk with God I had very little peace with myself or others, even though I was a Spirit-filled Christian. If I didn't get my way, I would argue, pout, throw a fit, have a pity party or not talk to people for weeks at a time. Basically, I acted like a child. At the time, I had no idea my behavior was wrong or that I was being led by my fleshly desires. I went to church regularly and heard Bible doctrine, but I wasn't hearing any practical teaching on how to get along with others and exercise self-control over my emotions. When I finally got fed up with not having peace in my life, I made a decision to do whatever I needed to do to get it. I went to God and asked Him what was wrong, and He responded, "Joyce, you're shallow. You need to begin living on a deeper level." Over time, God made it clear to me that the deeper level I needed to live on was the level of the Spirit. In order for us to truly enjoy the abundant life Jesus died to give us, we need to stop living by what we want, think, and feel and start following the promptings of His Spirit. This is the level that the spiritual man lives on. THE SPIRITUAL MAN The spiritual man is the mature Christian who follows diligently after the desires of the Spirit. He is not someone who just prays the sinner's prayer and then never feeds his spirit with the Word. Nor is he someone who keeps God in a "box" and lets Him out only on Sunday mornings. The spiritual man has a full-time commitment to follow Christ, and he lets the Lord into every area of his life. He walks in integrity, humility and peace. He knows how to get along with others. His life displays the fruit of the Spirit, and he enjoys the favor of God. First Corinthians 2:15 says, "But the spiritual man tries all things [he examines, investigates, inquires into, questions, and discerns all things], yet is himself to be put on trial and judged by no one [he canread the meaning of everything, but no one can properly discern or appraise or get an insight into him]." What Paul is saying here is that the spiritual man doesn't live his life on a whim--impulsively following his fleshly desires for what he wants, thinks and feels. Instead he lives by discernment. What is the difference between feelings and discernment? Feelings are of the flesh--they are shallow and constantly subject to change. Discernment, on the other hand, is a knowing in the spirit--something that comes from deep inside and is given to us by the Holy Spirit. Jesus lived His life by discernment. Isaiah 11:2-3 says, "And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon Him...and shall make Him of quick understanding, and His delight shall be in the reverential and obedient fear of the Lord. And He shall not judge by the sight of His eyes, neither decide by the hearing of His ears." So Jesus' discernment was not based on the superficial senses of His flesh--it was the result of a knowing deep within His spirit. And this same gift of discernment is available to you and me. How does it work? Before the spiritual man does anything, he quickly checks with his spirit to see if the thing he is about to do is OK. If he has peace, he proceeds. But if he is uncomfortable, confused or frustrated, he remains still. For instance, there have been times when I had a strong desire to give a word of correction to one of our employees. But before I opened my mouth, I checked with my spirit to confirm that it was what God wanted. If I felt a peace and a release to do it, I did it. There have also been situations when I've been at the mall getting ready to purchase something, but before I could get to the checkout counter, I sensed an irritation, frustration and pressure in my spirit. In this case, my spirit was not bearing witness with the Holy Spirit that what I wanted to do was of God. So I didn't buy anything. You see, every time you and I choose to listen to and follow the Holy Spirit's promptings, our spirits grow stronger, and a little bit more of our flesh dies. As a result, more and more of God's power is released in our lives to operate in the fruit of the Spirit. By yielding to the Holy Spirit rather than being controlled by our emotions, we honor God and put ourselves in a position to be radically blessed.Developing discernment and being led by the Spirit is not something thathappens overnight--it is a learning process that takes time. Little by little, one experience after another, God tries, or tests, our hearts, emotions and thinking (see Ps. 7:9, The Amplified Bible). How does He do it? He allows us to go through difficult situations that stir up our emotions. In this way, you and I are able to see for ourselves how emotionally unstable we can become and how desperately we need His help. Psalm 94:12-13 says, "Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man whom You discipline and instruct, O Lord, and teach out of Your law, that You may give him power to keep himself calm in the days of adversity." This Scripture lets us know that God allows things in our lives to affect us emotionally so that we can learn how not to be led by our feelings.His ultimate goal is to get us to the point that, no matter what is going on, we remain calm. Who's going to keep us calm? We are going to keep ourselves calm. How? By the power of the Holy Spirit at work in us. All God wants us to do is to get in the habit of running to Him for grace (supernatural inner strength) to exercise self-control over our emotions. Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God's unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it]." I encourage you to stop bowing down to your feelings--stop depending on and placing more value on how you feel than on the Word of God. Exalt the Word over your feelings--believe what the Bible says. Instead of saying, "I don't feel as if God loves me," "I don't feel as if I'm forgiven," or "I don't feel as if I have a future," say, "God does love me, and nothing can separate me from His love. He has heard my confession of sin, and He has forgiven me and cleansed me. And God has a positive plan for my future because His Word says so" (see Jer. 29:11; Rom. 8:38-39; 1 John 1:9). Every time feelings come up to try and steal your righteousness, peace, and joy, find out what the Word of God says, and then open your mouth and speak the Word. Eventually the truth will override and change your feelings. Yet acting on our love is not easy-as a wife knows when she pulls into the driveway at 5:30pmfollowed closely by her husband! Both have put in a long day at the office, so....who is going to fix up the meal, wash dishes, put the children to sleep, do the laundry?
Love means that even when you and I are exhausted and just want to do nothing, we cook, serve, and wash. You see love has work to do- love takes action-even when doing so requires strenuous efforts 1John 3:18 Little children, let us not love [merely] in theory or in speech but in deed and in truth (in practice and in sincerity In your daily work, when you are out with friends, roll up your sleeves and challenge yourself to do work of love. And God’s spirit at work in you, will cause the glorious fruit to blossom as you walk with Him Jesus said to her. Did I not tell you and promise you that if you believe and rely on Me, you would see the Glory of God? John 11:40 If you are thirsty only drink if you want your miricle only believe.
The Bible promises that if we obey God, then He will bless us.
In Deuteronomy 28:1-2, Moses told the Israelites, "If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God." The next fifteen verses list all sorts of blessings that God will give His people. It sounds really good to be radically blessed, but notice that there is a condition: you must "fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands." Obedience can be difficult, but if you consistently obey God in secret, then "your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you" (Matthew 6:4). You may freely choose between obedience and disobedience, but know that "a man reaps what he sows" (Galatians 6:7). Obey the Lord in all things—private and public. Then you will see "all these blessings ... come upon you." Always expect the best - but be prepared for the worst. It's not the circumstances in life that are important, it's how you respond to them - it's your choices that count. Regardless of what other people, regardless of what they say about you, regardless of the troubles and difficulties which may come your way, it's your attitude and your response that will make the difference in how you handle each situation. And as long as you have a choice, you can be bold and confident - you can make it work for you. You can win! Press on!
If we do not have a purpose in life we feel useless worthless and frustrated. So it is important for us to see that God designed us with purpose in mind. Psalm 139:16 not only do we need to know our purpose we need to do it on purpose e.g make desisions to live right, love on purpose and give on purpose.
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