"Virtually all couples, happy and unhappy, are going to argue,
  particularly in the early stages of marriage. What tends to predict the
  future of a relationship is not what you argue about, but when you do
  argue, how you handle your negative emotions." (Howard Markman)
  Does the above statement make sense to you? It makes more sense to us as
  we continually research marriage compatibility. We used to think happily
  married couples learned the secret of not arguing with each other --that
  conflict was what destroyed good marriages. We now know that the problem
  isn't that we disagree with each other but how constructively we're able
  to work through it so the relationship stays in tact and loving. That
  comes about because the couple acts in respectful ways even when
  disagreeing--honoring the other persons feelings.
  We came across an article in the Wall Street Journal titled, "The Key to
  a Lasting Marriage." It says that "even happy couples aren't totally
  compatible" --which seems like a surprising statement. But as we share
  portions of this article, prayerfully consider what God says to you and
  how you can apply it to your own marriage. The author, Hilary Stout writes:

  "A growing body of research suggests there's no such thing as a compatible
  couple. This may come as no surprise to all those who have endured years
  of thermostat wars, objectionable spending habits and maddening tendencies
  at the wheel. But it flies in the face of Hollywood, most people's fantasies, and dating web sites selling scientific screening to find a perfect match. Years of relationship studies make it clear that most  couples, whether they're happy or not, have a similar number of  irreconcilable differences. What's more, all couples --happy or not --tend  to argue about the same things. Top of the list, whether rich or poor, is money. Other topics include household chores, work obligations, kids &  differing priorities.
  "'Compatibility is misunderstood and overrated,' says Ted Huston, a
  professor of psychology and human ecology. Mr. Huston and his colleagues
  have been following 168 couples since they married during the 1980s. This
  study and others like it make it clear that most dangerous disagreements
  that arise in marriage --69% of them, are never resolved. The result has
  been a gradual shift in marriage therapy, toward helping spouses manage,
  accept, and even honor their discord, rather than trying to resolve the
  un-resolvable. One national couples-counseling program suggests spouses
  schedule a regular weekly date to argue. Others now offer instruction in
  arguing. Some encourage couples to single out problems that can be dealt
  with and accept that most (like how tidy the house should be) will never
  be resolved. 
  "Of course some conflicts do matter deeply --he wants children and she
  doesn't, to name a big one; alcoholism and infidelity, to name a couple
  more. Differing religions and cultural attitudes also are problematic,
  especially after the couple has children, says Scott Stanley, co-director
  of the Center for Martial and Family Studies at the University of Denver. 
  He and co-director Howard Markman have done extensive studies tracking
  couples from courtship through years of marriage. But the bottom line,
  Markman says, is that 'virtually all couples, happy and unhappy, are going
  to argue. What tends to predict the future of a relationship is not what
  you argue about, but when you do argue, how you handle your negative
  emotions.' This has led some in the profession to develop rules that can
  make arguing less destructive:

  - "Don't escalate an argument by blurting out generalizations" 'You 
    always...' Stay on a specific subject. Don't drag past events, behavior 
     and lingering grudges into the discussion.
  - "Try not to interrupt --let your spouse finishing making a point before 
    you jump in.
  - "Take a little time to cool down after a heated argument. But within an 
    hour, having a 'reconcillatory conversation,' which will result in a 
    more level-headed, productive discussion.
  The article then tells of an experiment conducted by Dr. John Gottman's
  Relationship Lab. They videoed couples arguing and monitored their heart
  rates. Research has shown if your heart exceeds 100 beats per minute you
  usually won't be able to rationally listen to what your spouse is trying
  to tell you no matter how hard they try. Taking a 20-30 minute break
  before continuing is suggested. When their heart rate rose above 100 the
  researchers interrupted and said (falsely) that their equipment was
  malfunctioning. [In the experiment]… "They asked couples to stop and read
  a magazine until it was fixed. Once both people's heart rate had dropped
  down to normal range, after about a half-hour, the researchers announced
  the equipment was fixed and the couples started up their disagreement
  again. The change after the interlude was marked. 'It was like it was a
  different relationship,' Gottman says. Everyone was 'much more rational
  and creative."
  "While airing differences is important, make sure to set aside some time
  where discussing areas of discord is off-limits, Mr. Stanley and Mr. 
  Markman say. A walk by the river on a beautiful autumn day isn't the time
  to bring up problems; it's a time to enjoy each other and remember what
  attracted you to each other in the first place. Instead set aside a time
  to talk about the things that are bothering you. Like many married
  couples, Jim and Kathryn have a Saturday 'date' built into their weekly
  schedules. The purpose isn't to catch a movie or dinner. Essentially, it
  is to argue. On the recommendation of Mr. Stanley, the couple started
  going out every Saturday morning to discuss problems and issues. At first
  it felt a little awkward. Once they settled into the routine, it proved  helpful.

  "Before, discord could erupt at any moment and tempers would flare. Now,
  knowing they have a set time to discuss difficult issues is comforting and
  leaves them the rest of the week to relax. In fact, they rarely argue
  during sessions anymore. They simply work through issues.

  "RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: The following are some tips for fighting effectively
  with your spouse:
  - "Stay focused on the subject of disagreement ...Don't generalize (as in   'You always do___') 
  - "Don't bring up past events and old grudges ...Don't interrupt ...Don't  use insults 
- "Don't use inflammatory language, like 'This marriage is doomed.'
  - "Don't stonewall [blocking the argument from allowing both sides to be 
    discussed}
  - "Try to say 'I' (as in 'I think) rather than the more inflammatory 'You' 
    (as in 'You don't')"
  .................................

  All of this comes down to being respectful of one another --even in your
  anger. In Ephesians 4:26-27, the Bible says, "In your anger do not sin. Do
  not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil a foot-
  hold." The Life Application Bible explanation for these verses reads “The
  Bible doesn’t tell us that we shouldn’t feel angry. It is important to
  handle our anger properly. If vented thoughtlessly, anger can hurt others
  and destroy relationships. If bottled up inside, it can cause us to become
  bitter and destroy us from within. Paul tells us to deal with our anger in
  a way that builds relationships rather than destroys them. If we nurse our
  anger, we give Satan an opportunity to divide us.”
  So the challenge isn’t to eliminate conflict but to find ways to deal with
  it so we resolve it in ways that honors each other and honors God.

  If we think of the common problems that can break apart our marriages as
    “illnesses” we may be more inclined to seek treatment and healing than
    separation or divorce. In last weeks Marriage Message we focused on the
    issues of how our moods and putting the “ME” ahead of the “WE” in marriage
    can tear us apart.
    We want to share four common “illnesses” (or problem areas) that can
    infect even the healthiest of marriages. If they go undiagnosed or
    untreated they can lead to the “death” of a marriage. This shortened
    version comes from pastor/counselor, Wayne Coggins in the book, Lovers for
    Life published by Christian Publications. (This book has many great
    contributing authors, which Pastor Coggins is one of them.) He writes:

  1. Marital Anemia. I’m convinced that more marriages are in danger of
      anemia (tired blood) than of getting blasted apart by a surprise affair
      or deception. Drifting apart a little each day can leave a couple
      vulnerable to all kinds of problems. For a marriage to stay fresh and
      vibrant it needs frequent doses of fun and re-creation [notice how
       Coggins changed the word, "recreation"].
    I am not advocating being irresponsible, but I am saying that all
    responsibility with no breaks for fun is a sure ticket to burnout and
    boredom. I often ask couples whose responsibility it is to make the time
    available for investing in their marriages. God’s? Should we expect God to
    give us an extra day of the week right after Sunday and call it Funday?
    While that may be a nice fantasy, the truth is that if we value our
    marriage relationships, we must take the time to keep them alive and
    exciting.
    [Cindy and I (Steve) have found this to be important in our marriage. And
    it doesn't take a lot of money to make it work. With careful planning and
    a little creativity you can do just about anything that interests the both
    of you to accomplish the RE-creation of energy in your marriage.]

  2. Presumption. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend back in the
     1970′s, I learned that most relationships go through 3 stages. The
     first is ROMANCE, that time we’re so enamored with our newly discovered
      love that talking for hours is done genuinely and joyfully. I sometimes
      jokingly share that romance is the anesthetic that enables two normally
      very cautious people to cast fate to the wind and commit marriage.
      The second relational stage is DISILLUSIONMENT. This is the time when we
      discover the packages we thought we got when we married our sweethearts
      aren’t exactly what we had expected. It is when we become inescapably
      aware of the painful truth that in order for there to be disillusionment,
      there must have been an illusion.
      That girl who was so witty and funny and always had the right thing to say
      turns out not to have an “off button” on her vocal chords! And that guy
      who didn’t always have a lot to say, but what he did say was “deep,” turns
      out to be the strong, silent type who doesn’t know how to communicate at
      all in matters of the heart.
     The third stage presents a fork in the road with one direction marked
     ACCEPTANCE and the other REJECTION. It’s during this stage that the
    “rubber meets the road,” so to speak, and the real work of keeping a
     marriage healthy and growing is done or evaded. This is where presumption
     does its deadly deed by presuming that “it will all work out somehow.”
     You see, “it”, or the marriage, doesn’t do the work of communicating when
     you’re weary of forgiving each other. It’s YOU, the partners in marriage,
     who do that work. It’s you whom makes the value judgment that the
    imperfect person you married is indeed the most valuable treasure in your
    life, in spite of those imperfections.

  3. Heart Problems. While there are many variations of this condition,
      probably none are as threatening as unforgiveness and bitterness. If
      allowed to remain in marriage, they can clog marital arteries quicker
      than cheeseburgers and French fries can clog your natural ones. They
      will cut off the life-giving love and communication that are necessary
      for the health and growth of the relationship.
     May I suggest a simple procedure that can fix this problem? Try reaching
     over to your loved one and taking his or her hand in yours. Then, simply
    pray for one another, asking God to help each of you to forgive the other
    for the hurts that have occurred in your relationship.
    You see, I believe that if God asks us to do something, He is faithful to
    provide the ability to do so. In Ephesians 4:32 we are told to be “kind to
    one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ’s
    sake hath forgiven you.” (KJV) If it feels like the walls of bitterness
    are too high and trust too shattered to glue back together, believe me --
    no, believe God —forgiveness is the miracle cure that can make healing
    possible.

  4. Secret-Life Syndrome. This occurs when a secret part of our lives is
     allowed to grow until it suddenly springs into view. While this malady
     has been around since Adam and Eve tried to hide their secret life and
     sin from God, in recent years a strain has been at work through the
     unlikely agent of the computer.
     The addictive nature of Internet pornography and on-line chat rooms is
     taking a huge toll on marriages. It is such a shame-saturated problem in
    people’s lives that it often grows hidden and undetected until it has done
    severe damage to a marriage.
    The real heart-cry that I hear from couples is for true intimacy and that
    wonderful feeling of connectedness that a healthy marriage can bring. That
    which can be found in chat-room affairs or cyber fantasies is NOT the real
    deal. Real love can’t be found in one-night stands or a secret life apart
    from your spouse.
      [Cindy and I have personally seen the destruction this can cause in
    marriages. If you'd like to find some resources and help in this area go
    to our web site and see what we make available on this subject.]

  --------------------------------------------------------------------------

   If you feel there are one or more “illnesses” in your marriage that need
   healing or maybe even that your marriage is close to “death”, Pastor
   Coggins has this encouragement:
   “The Lord, who is the Great Physician, can and does heal and restore
    marriages in need of a miracle moment of healing. He is also more than
    willing to share His rich wisdom with us on this subject so that we can
    build healthy marriages right out of the chute. The fact is that He wrote
    the Book on it, and His office is never closed.”
    We pray this has been helpful. It’s a great reminder to all of us—because
    we all experience those types of “illnesses” in our marriages and need a
   touch from the Great Physician to bring healing.
   Our prayers are with you. God Bless! - Steve and Cindy Wright

  "A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers." Is your marriage a  happy one?

  We all want others to completely forgive us but when the tables are  turned (and we're the one who is asked to forgive), too often we're  not as gracious --at least not without our wish for them to "suffer"  first for it, somehow.
  A small book titled, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love," written   by Richard and Kristine Carlson (Hyperion Publishers), touches on   this issue. Prayerfully consider what the Carlson's point out: 
  "Sadly, many people find it difficult to apologize. Over the years,   the two of us have heard a number of very wise people speculate that  one of the reasons this might be true because, when we do apologize,  it's often accepted in less than a graceful manner.
  "When this is the case, it takes some motivation away to continue  apologizing, even when appropriate. This is a shame because most   happy couples will insist that both offering and receiving apologies  are integral parts of a loving and growing relationship.

  "I overheard what I thought was an excellent example of this problem   while I was sitting at a coffee shop. With tears in her eyes, a woman   was sharing with her husband that she was sorry that her work had   become consuming. Apparently, she had been traveling a great deal   and was spending lots of time away from him and their children. I
 gathered that this was taking a toll on the family as well as their  relationship.
  "Obviously, I don't know all the facts, and they certainly aren't   any of my business. However, regardless of the specifics, one thing  was perfectly clear. His inability to soften and open his heart in  response to her genuine and heartfelt apology was guaranteeing an  escalation of any problems they were already having. Rather than hug
her, hold her hand, or even reassure his wife, he gave her a  disapproving look that seemed to make her heart sink. 
  "While I have no way of knowing for sure, it appeared as though he was trying to make her feel even guiltier than she already felt.  Like everyone who offers an apology, this woman was opening the door  to loving communication, a possible compromise, or perhaps even a  solution. In order for an apology to be effective, however, both
 parties must do their part.
  "In this instance, the woman's husband wasn't willing to do so.  Consequently, he was missing an opportunity to strengthen their  relationship. He was increasing the likelihood that she would become  less apologetic in the future, and that she might even begin to see   him as the problem.
  "When apologies aren't accepted, bitterness and resentment often   creep into the picture. Granted, most of us will probably not be quite as visibly ungraceful in our acceptance of an apology. However,  we might push our partner away in other, more subtle ways. We might,   for instance, mumble under our breath, sigh, make a condescending  comment such as 'it's about time,' or in some other way minimize
 or fail to fully accept the apology.
  "We've found that, in most instances, an apology is an excellent  opportunity to deepen our love and our partnership. It's an ideal  time to make a genuine effort to listen deeply and respectfully.
It's a time to experience empathy and gratitude for the fact that our partner is willing to apologize, which is something, not  everyone is able to do.
  "Further, when we accept an apology, it makes it far more likely that our partner will do the same for us when it's our turn to  apologize.
  "The next time your spouse (or anyone else) offers an apology, see  if you can really take it to heart. Soften your edges and open your  heart. You may find that, despite whatever the apology is about,   your relationship will be able to enter a new, even more rewarding,  phase."

  ............................................

  If taken seriously, these thoughts from the Carlson's can bring
  healing into our marriages. May we give grace whenever possible to
  help us "return to emotional closeness!" Counselor, Pamela Lipe, put
  it this way, "When you're in the position of accepting an apology,
  give yourself a 'Mental Pause' to decide the best course of action
  for you, your spouse, your situation, and the particular wrongdoing.
  Keep in mind in the long-term consequences to the relationship. Your
  goal is to return to emotional closeness."

  We're told in Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends
  on you, live at peace with everyone" (which includes your spouse).
  In Colossians 3:13, Paul encourages us to "Bear with each other and
  forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive
  as the Lord forgives you." Also, whenever you can, accept apologies
  gracefully.

  BUT we can't close this message without touching on the point
  that sometimes we don't ACCEPT apologies as we should, but also,
  sometimes we don't GIVE apologies that are acceptable. Kevin B.
  Bullard makes a great point to consider in the following short
  article, titled, "Half Baked Apologies are Offensive" (posted on
  Mymarriageworks.org):
  "When we offend our spouse by our words, actions, or attitude; it's
  common to want to take the easy way out of offering a simple, 'Sorry'
  or "I apologize. However, just saying these words without proper
  context is just as hurtful as our first offense. It's much more
  effective and meaningful if we extend the 'apology' by admitting
  our wrong, acknowledging our spouse's hurt, intending not to do
  it again, and asking for forgiveness. Doing this becomes easier
  when we recognize we hurt our spouse, and suppress our pride to
  create reconciliation. 
  "Here's the full apology: 'I'm sorry for (the offense). I know it
  (the effect it had on your spouse). I was wrong. I intend not to
  do it again. Will you forgive me?'
  "Example: 'Cetelia, I'm sorry for embarrassing you in front of our
  guests. I know it hurt your esteem. I was wrong. I intend not to
  do it again. Will you forgive me?
  "While these words may be difficult to utter, they can make a
  world of difference when offered with a sincere heart."
  ......................................................

  It's important to consider what G. K. Chesterton wrote, "A stiff
  apology is a second insult... The injured party does not want to
  be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed
  because he has been hurt."
  We encourage you to gracefully give and also accept apologies, as
  the Lord would have you. We realize that you can't MAKE your spouse
  do what he or she should. But you can put intentionality into
  being dispensers of grace and forgiveness "as far as it depends
  upon you" --especially in your marriage (a model of Christ's love
  for the church). Pray about it and see how GOD leads.
 Cindy and Steve Wright

  "Marriage was designed by God to honor Him. Our union and our loving one  
    another, is a statement to the next generation of what love looks like and
    what two people who keep their promise to one another looks like. We have
    a generation of young people today who desperately need to look into the
    eyes of their mom and dad and see them loving one another, committed to
    one another, and honoring God in their relationship. And you do that one
    step at a time, one day at a time over a lifetime. That's what covenant-
    keeping love looks like in a marriage relationship." - Dennis Rainey
    This is the picture God wants every Christian couple to model for their
    children. And, while we all start out with the "best of intentions" to
    have our marriages reflect that picture of a God-centered relationship to
    our children, things can and will "happen" that can distort or ruin that picture.
    This week we're going to share some comments from author and marriage
    counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman, as he talks about a common problem in
    marriage that all of us who are parents (especially of very young
    children) need to be aware of because if you follow his advice and counsel
    it could save your marriage. (While we don't know the origination of the
    source, we do know it comes from Dr. Chapman.) He writes:
      "For over 30 years, I have been sitting in the counseling office listening
    to couples pour out their pain. For me, nothing has been sadder than those
    couples that haven't focused on parenting their children while neglecting
    their marriages. They were deluded into thinking that the best thing they
    could do was to seek to meet the children's needs. Yet, they failed to
    recognize that when they didn't meet each other's needs, they were setting
    the worst examples for their children.
    "My wife and I learned early on that we had to focus on each other if we
    were to become good parents. We had serious struggles in the early years
    of our marriage, before the children came. When they arrived, we knew that
    we couldn't let them come between us. We love our children devotedly, but
    more than anything, we wanted to have the kind of marriage that would
    serve as an example for them. I remember how hard we worked to get the
    children to bed early so we could have time together.
    "Karolyn chose to be a 'stay-at-home-mom,' and we agreed to live on less
    so we could have time for marriage and parenting. I'm not suggesting it
    was easy. I am saying that we have no regrets. The children are now gone,
    and we are still together - loving, learning, and growing.
    "I'm convinced that one of the best things any of us can do for our
    children is to provide them a strong marital model. Children need to know
    that their parents love not only them, but also each other. The child's
    sense of security grows as he/she sees parents loving each other. To put
    your marriage on hold for 18 or more years while you raise the children is
    not only detrimental to the marriage, it is devastating to the children.
   "We must learn to 'childproof' our marriages during those parenting years,
    or we will soon learn that the marriage withers and dies. When the
    parental team breaks down and begins to disintegrate, the children become
    the biggest losers. They lose their family unit, which is where they build
    their sense of security. When children don't feel secure, their whole
    world seems to unravel. No amount of baseball, piano lessons, or toys can
    make up for that kind of loss.
      "As a matter of fact, recent research has shown that when the family unit
    falls apart, so do the children. Children from broken homes show a higher
    rate of:
        -- Academic problems
        -- Dropping out of school
        -- Promiscuity
        -- Teen pregnancy
        -- Alcohol and drug use/abuse
        -- Running away
        -- Emotional and behavioral problems
        -- Violence
        -- Delinquency
        -- Suicide
        -- Poverty as an adult
   "And that's just to name a few. So, if you're thinking that you're doing
    the best for your child when you put your spouse behind them in priority
    and your children as number one, you're sorely mistaken. Although children
    obviously require our time and attention (and money, too), they do not
    require ALL our time or attention (or money).
   "If we hope to influence the next generation, we must experience a change
    of focus. Of course we're interested in protecting our children from all
    those things I just listed, and the best way to do that is to help
    marriages stay together."
    ..................................
   Are you modeling a good marriage for your children to observe and emulate?
   While you can't control your spouse's actions, you do control yours. Is
   the way in which you are relating to your spouse distracting your children
   and others from seeing Christ? Are you revealing and reflecting the love
    of Christ in the way you talk and through your actions?
    Please know that, "the marriage relationship is one man and one woman in a
    unique lifetime covenant commitment where they glorify God, enjoy the
    companionship that is provided by marriage, and raise godly offspring -
    that's God's intent and purpose for marriage. I want to emphasize that
    your children first see how to love by watching you and your spouse relate
    to one another - that's part of your legacy." (Dennis Rainey)
    That's something to think and pray about this week. Are you modeling a
    good marriage for your children to observe and emulate?
    
   God Bless! Cindy and Steve Wright

  "You're not responsible for what happened to you in the past, but you
  ARE responsible for what you do with your life now. Do you have the
  courage to be who you were meant to be?" -Cathryn L Taylor
  When we marry we bring all of the experiences of our past with us --
  both positive and negative. These experiences have shaped so much how
  we view things and how we conduct ourselves in situations. While we
  can't change the past, we do have the power to change the present and
  future. That's what we learn from Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg's book,
  "Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage" (Tyndale House Publishers). On
  this particular issue they wrote:
  "For years now Barb and I (Gary) have heard a litany of complaints
  from husbands and wives who came into their marriages negatively
  influenced by our culture and their families of origin.
  "Speaking of their marriages and hurts, they say things like: 'I just
  don't know how to do this right'; 'I grew up in a dysfunctional home,
  so I don't know what normal is'; 'No one ever taught me how to deal
  with conflicts'; My parents' example is so ingrained in me, I'll never
  be able to change.'
  "You may feel the same hopelessness, the same inability to change.
  You may feel destined to live out the same ineffective patterns in
  your own marriage. But that's like giving up on a garden because the
  soil is too hard or too rocky or infested with weeds. Have you ever
  heard of a pick, shovel, hoe, soil amendments, and a little hard work?
  "In the same way you can change the condition of soil you can unlearn
  bad patterns of dealing with conflict and learn new ones. It's never
  too late to learn and implement the biblical principles for forgiving
  love.
  "It is our God-given responsibility to cultivate good soil in our
  marriage relationships so that our children and grandchildren will
  have a biblical pattern to follow in their marriages.
  "The psalmist wrote: "For [God] issued his decree to Jacob; He gave
  his law to Israel. He commanded our ancestors to teach them to their
  children, so the next generation might know them--even the children
  not yet born --that in turn might teach their children. So each
  generation can set its hope anew on God, remembering his glorious
  miracles and obeying his commands." (Psalm 78:5-7)
  "As you divorce-proof your marriage through forgiving love, you will
  help your children to divorce-proof their marriages.
  "So what are you doing to alter patterns you learned? How are you
  making your marriage different from that of your parents? How can
  you bequeath to your children a family legacy that is more biblical
  and positive than that of your family of origin?
  "You can look at this responsibility two ways. You can think of it
  as a tremendous burden and a lot of hard work. Or you can welcome
  it as an opportunity to pass on to your children something that was
  not passed on to you. Even if you didn't grow up in a healthy home,
  you can commit yourself to developing healthy patterns for resolving
  conflict.
  "The family you came from is important, but it's not as important
  as the family you'll leave behind. Identify from your family of
  origin the barriers to communication and healthy conflict resolution.
  Gain the insights you can from the past, deal with the emotional
  pain of it, and then move on to developing new patterns that include
  confession and forgiveness of offenses and healing of hurts.
  "As you leave behind the past to create a more positive present,
  you'll bless the next generation. One way or another, you will leave
  your handprints all over the personalities and hearts of your
  children. Will you leave behind a generation that will reach the
  world for Christ, or will you give up at the daunting task and let
  them go their own way?
  "What are you doing to give your children the spiritual training
  and skills they will need for their lives and marriages? What kind
  of godly heritage are you leaving them? The key is found in
  establishing a home that honors God, a home where each individual
  is encouraged to develop a relationship with Jesus, a home where
  people make mistakes and fail each other but recognize they have
  the power, through God, to be transformed.
  "Conflict in marriage is inevitable, but you don't have to remain
  trapped in the dysfunctional patterns of resolving conflict you
  learned from your parents or the world around you."
  ..................................
  Cindy and I believe that each of us, as couples, have the respon-
  sibility to break free from whatever negative patterns we brought
  into our marriage. Even if we've been married 39+ years it's not
  too late to change. After all isn't that what Jesus specializes
  in --making us into new creations?
  Yes, but we must cooperate with the process because He won't force
  it on us --we're given a free will. If we pro-actively seek and
  participate, the positive changes are nothing less than amazing!
  If your marriage is going in an unhealthy direction right now,
  that's what we encourage you to do --work with God in doing
  whatever you can to re-direct it in a good direction. Your
  children deserve to have a healthy, God-honoring marriage modeled
  for them. Please don't buy into the lie that you'll "never be
  able to change" or that once things are bad, they can't get better.
  That's just not true.
  Even if you never had a good marriage modeled for you, that doesn't
  mean that you can't do what it takes, in working with God, to
  eventually live within and model a good marriage for your children
  and those God brings your way.
  Go with God, knowing that He is "...able to do immeasurably more
  than we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work
  within us." (Ephesians 3:20)

Be Completely humble and gentle be patient bearing with one another- Ephesians 4:2
Love works. It is lifes most powerful motivator and has far greater depth and meaning than most people realize. It always does what is best for others and can empower us to face the greatest of problems. We are born with a lifelong thirst for love.
our hearts desperately need it like our lungs need oxygen.
Love changes our motivation for living. Relationships become meaningful with it. No marriage is succesful without it.
Love is built on two pillars thatbest define what it is.Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extentions of these two attributes.

In the book "I Married Wonder Woman... Now What?: A Superhero's Guide for Leading and Loving the 'Proverbs 31 Wife'" Author Jess MacCallum challenges men to lead and love their strong, capable, Proverbs 31 wives. The following are his top picks for the three words women want to hear the most.

I Love You is the most important. She can never hear those words often enough from you. She needs your reassurance (of your love for her) all day long.

Next, she wants to hear the following.
1. You Were Right
2. I Was Wrong
3. I am Sorry
4. Let's Eat Out
5. You Look Thinner
6. I'll Clean Up
7. Let's Just Cuddle
8. Can I Vacuum?
9. Your Mother's Welcome
10. Which Chore First?
11. Take Your Time
12. Buy Them Both

Despite the picture-perfect impressions we get from upbeat Facebook
posts or boastful holiday letters, even the healthiest marriages aren't
100% free of conflict. At some point, virtually everyone feels wronged
by a romantic partner. Bob Navarra, PsyD, a Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist (LMFT), says that those feelings aren't what throw a marriage
off course-it's how couples handle them. "While it may be frustrating
that the toothpaste cap was left off, happy couples talk about these
small things," he says. But when those emotions are swept under the rug,
a more toxic variety of negativity begins to fester: resentment. Here,
marriage experts share some of the most common reasons husbands resent
their wives and how to protect your relationship.

1. Not fighting fair.
Happy couples don't necessarily fight less, Dr. Navarra says; they just
fight better, by "describing their own feelings and needs rather than
labeling their partner as faulty." And the ball is probably in your
court for that. Research shows that wives are more likely to bring up
problems for discussion, while husbands are more likely to withdraw at
the first sign of an argument. When this keeps happening, women tend to
start conversations on a negative note, which only makes things worse.
Instead of resorting to personal attacks-"You're such a slob!" "We're
going to be late because of you!"-which lead to defensiveness, Dr.
Navarra recommends sticking to "I-statements," such as "When (this
happens), I feel (frustrated, angry). What I needed was..."

2. Treating him like a child.
"A big issue I see in couples is a man resenting his partner because he
feels she talks down to him," says Mary Kelleher, LMFT. This can leave
him feeling "less-than," and nothing triggers resentment faster than
inadequacy. So avoid threatening his independence-the way pressuring him
to go for a promotion so he'll bring home more money may be
perceived-suggests couples therapist Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD. "No one
wants to feel 'managed' by a spouse," Dr. Meunier says

3. Involving other people in your marriage.
What you might think of as harmless complaining to friends and family
can actually break your husband's trust. It threatens the safety of the
"couple bubble" you've created together. "Men find this humiliating and
hurtful," says Norene Gonsiewski, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
(LCSW), a couples' therapist at the Portland Relationship Center in
Oregon. If you really need to vent, consider talking to a doctor or
therapist to keep things confidential.

4. Not showing appreciation for thing he does right.
"Men will never ask for it," Gonsiewski says, but regular doses of
praise are important. "They need to hear that their wives are proud of
them." Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married
Women, notes that men tend to be more action-oriented than women, which
means they show affection in different ways. "He may empty the
dishwasher as a way of saying he cares about you." Haltzman's
suggestion: "Pay attention to what he does, and let him know you
notice."

5. Withholding sex as punishment.
While women generally need emotional intimacy to make love, men express
emotional intimacy through sex, says Marla Taviano, author of Is that
All He Thinks About? When a wife turns down sex, in her husband's mind,
"she's turning him down as a person," explains Taviano. Using sex as a
bargaining chip to get your needs meet isn't negotiating-it's emotional
blackmail, which can alienate him. "Withholding sex may make your
partner feel less love from you and give you less love in return," says
Dr. Haltzman.

6. Trying to change him.
"Every person can change, but it's better to focus on our own changes,
rather than our spouse's behaviors," says Anne Ziff, LMFT, author of
Marrying Well. And yet, some women see marriage as a starting point for
a "husband makeover." This isn't all bad-studies show that married men
tend to eat healthier and have fewer problems with drugs and alcohol
than single guys-but avoid creating a relationship in which your husband
can't be himself. "When a man feels his home is not his castle, and he
can't just be a guy-whether it's walking around in his boxers or letting
out a burp-he'll feel like he's been put in a box where he has to act
prim and proper all the time," Dr. Meunier says. Sometimes, it's smarter
to let the little things slide.

7. Making important decisions without his input.
Research shows that money is a top source of disagreements among married
couples, even those with bigger budgets. In a lot of ways, money equals
power, and balancing power is important to harmonious relationships,
Meunier says. Whether you're considering booking a vacation or buying a
dishwasher, your partner deserves a say. The same goes for decisions
that affect how you and your husband spend your time, such as inviting
company over for dinner or signing up your kids for soccer. Although it
may seem simpler to beg for forgiveness instead of getting him on board,
unilateral decision making can drive you two apart.

8. Not giving him the chance to be the kind of dad he wants to be.
Mothers often parent differently than fathers, but not necessarily
better. For instance, some studies show that parenting styles more
common with dads, such as rough-and-tumble play, offer children unique
developmental benefits. "Men's resentment grows as their children
develop with gaps in their competency and independence, two attributes
men rate highly," Gonsiewski says. "When a woman doesn't trust her
husband to parent she sends a message that he's wrong and only she's
right." Instead, "reinforce your husband for the positive contributions
he makes to your children's lives," Dr. Haltzman recommends.

9. Acting jealous when he looks at other women.
Men are visual creatures, Dr. Meunier says, so it's not surprising that
a typical heterosexual man would notice a good-looking woman. "Women who
understand this and don't take it personally minimize unproductive
fights about jealousy." When a wife overreacts to a situation, her
husband will likely feel defensive, and eventually, resentful. Dr.
Meunier's advice? "Chill out." Responding to a visual cue isn't cause
for worry, she says-curious comments or behaviors, like dropping your
hand to head across the room to talk to another woman, could signify a
lack of commitment to you.

10. Expecting immediate forgiveness after you apologize.
Studies show that seeking and granting forgiveness greatly contributes
to marital satisfaction and longevity. But beware of empty words. While
apologizing manages conflict, Dr. Navarra says a simple "I'm sorry"
often isn't enough. To truly earn her husband's forgiveness, a wife
needs to show that she understands why her husband is upset. Dr.
Haltzman recommends being specific about what you're apologizing for,
accepting responsibility for what you did, acknowledging that you what
you did was harmful and lastly, asking what you can do to make it up to
him. "If you've gotten to the first three steps cleanly, most men will
say 'forget about it' to the last question," Dr. Haltzman says.