If we think of the common problems that can break apart our marriages as
“illnesses” we may be more inclined to seek treatment and healing than separation or divorce. In last weeks Marriage Message we focused on the issues of how our moods and putting the “ME” ahead of the “WE” in marriage can tear us apart. We want to share four common “illnesses” (or problem areas) that can infect even the healthiest of marriages. If they go undiagnosed or untreated they can lead to the “death” of a marriage. This shortened version comes from pastor/counselor, Wayne Coggins in the book, Lovers for Life published by Christian Publications. (This book has many great contributing authors, which Pastor Coggins is one of them.) He writes: 1. Marital Anemia. I’m convinced that more marriages are in danger of anemia (tired blood) than of getting blasted apart by a surprise affair or deception. Drifting apart a little each day can leave a couple vulnerable to all kinds of problems. For a marriage to stay fresh and vibrant it needs frequent doses of fun and re-creation [notice how Coggins changed the word, "recreation"]. I am not advocating being irresponsible, but I am saying that all responsibility with no breaks for fun is a sure ticket to burnout and boredom. I often ask couples whose responsibility it is to make the time available for investing in their marriages. God’s? Should we expect God to give us an extra day of the week right after Sunday and call it Funday? While that may be a nice fantasy, the truth is that if we value our marriage relationships, we must take the time to keep them alive and exciting. [Cindy and I (Steve) have found this to be important in our marriage. And it doesn't take a lot of money to make it work. With careful planning and a little creativity you can do just about anything that interests the both of you to accomplish the RE-creation of energy in your marriage.] 2. Presumption. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend back in the 1970′s, I learned that most relationships go through 3 stages. The first is ROMANCE, that time we’re so enamored with our newly discovered love that talking for hours is done genuinely and joyfully. I sometimes jokingly share that romance is the anesthetic that enables two normally very cautious people to cast fate to the wind and commit marriage. The second relational stage is DISILLUSIONMENT. This is the time when we discover the packages we thought we got when we married our sweethearts aren’t exactly what we had expected. It is when we become inescapably aware of the painful truth that in order for there to be disillusionment, there must have been an illusion. That girl who was so witty and funny and always had the right thing to say turns out not to have an “off button” on her vocal chords! And that guy who didn’t always have a lot to say, but what he did say was “deep,” turns out to be the strong, silent type who doesn’t know how to communicate at all in matters of the heart. The third stage presents a fork in the road with one direction marked ACCEPTANCE and the other REJECTION. It’s during this stage that the “rubber meets the road,” so to speak, and the real work of keeping a marriage healthy and growing is done or evaded. This is where presumption does its deadly deed by presuming that “it will all work out somehow.” You see, “it”, or the marriage, doesn’t do the work of communicating when you’re weary of forgiving each other. It’s YOU, the partners in marriage, who do that work. It’s you whom makes the value judgment that the imperfect person you married is indeed the most valuable treasure in your life, in spite of those imperfections. 3. Heart Problems. While there are many variations of this condition, probably none are as threatening as unforgiveness and bitterness. If allowed to remain in marriage, they can clog marital arteries quicker than cheeseburgers and French fries can clog your natural ones. They will cut off the life-giving love and communication that are necessary for the health and growth of the relationship. May I suggest a simple procedure that can fix this problem? Try reaching over to your loved one and taking his or her hand in yours. Then, simply pray for one another, asking God to help each of you to forgive the other for the hurts that have occurred in your relationship. You see, I believe that if God asks us to do something, He is faithful to provide the ability to do so. In Ephesians 4:32 we are told to be “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (KJV) If it feels like the walls of bitterness are too high and trust too shattered to glue back together, believe me -- no, believe God —forgiveness is the miracle cure that can make healing possible. 4. Secret-Life Syndrome. This occurs when a secret part of our lives is allowed to grow until it suddenly springs into view. While this malady has been around since Adam and Eve tried to hide their secret life and sin from God, in recent years a strain has been at work through the unlikely agent of the computer. The addictive nature of Internet pornography and on-line chat rooms is taking a huge toll on marriages. It is such a shame-saturated problem in people’s lives that it often grows hidden and undetected until it has done severe damage to a marriage. The real heart-cry that I hear from couples is for true intimacy and that wonderful feeling of connectedness that a healthy marriage can bring. That which can be found in chat-room affairs or cyber fantasies is NOT the real deal. Real love can’t be found in one-night stands or a secret life apart from your spouse. [Cindy and I have personally seen the destruction this can cause in marriages. If you'd like to find some resources and help in this area go to our web site and see what we make available on this subject.] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you feel there are one or more “illnesses” in your marriage that need healing or maybe even that your marriage is close to “death”, Pastor Coggins has this encouragement: “The Lord, who is the Great Physician, can and does heal and restore marriages in need of a miracle moment of healing. He is also more than willing to share His rich wisdom with us on this subject so that we can build healthy marriages right out of the chute. The fact is that He wrote the Book on it, and His office is never closed.” We pray this has been helpful. It’s a great reminder to all of us—because we all experience those types of “illnesses” in our marriages and need a touch from the Great Physician to bring healing. Our prayers are with you. God Bless! - Steve and Cindy Wright Comments are closed.
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Ana & Andre Schoonbee God uses us to motivate and encourage the body. Authors
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